Dark in here

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was away at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says: "Dark in here."

The Man says: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it! because you are in his house now"

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$1,000."

A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have soccer boots."

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"

The Boy says :"$5,000."

The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."

The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."

The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins"

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here."

The Priest says: "Don't start that again!..........THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR DAD's HOUSE ! "

What the British say, and what they mean

Wise blind man

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you' re blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters...'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Robbery report

A home owner files a robbery report at the police station and declares that the house has been burglarized by gays.

The policeman asks; "how do you know?"

When I came home, I discovered that my jewelry was missing and all my furniture had been tastefully rearranged. He replied.

Fight outside bar

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He then proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Waste not, want not

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick'

Horse riding

A blond went to a dude ranch and signed up to go horseback riding. The cowboy who was assisting guests asked her what kind of saddle she used? She asked what kind do you have? They told her English and Western.

She asked the difference, they told her one had a horn and the other didn't. She said give me the one without a horn, "I don't expect to find much traffic!"

Grandkids

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2.. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,  "Did you start at 1?"
 
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,  putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
  
4.. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
 
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''...... "You're both old," he replied.
 
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
 
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was.  She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
 
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,  we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 
 
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure..."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
 
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said,  "how do you make babies?"  "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
 
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
 "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
 
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
 A third child brought the argument to a close."They use  the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
 
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
 
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
 
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you  hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Bar insult

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar"

Free Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair."I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes".
"When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"