Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
Politician & prostitute
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the lady of the night, replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the lady of the night, replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
Tiniest cabin
A man from New York City was on vacation hiking through the mountains of Arkansas. He came upon the nicest and tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' he asked.
'Yep, I'm here' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the New York tourist.
'Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,' said the kid.
Well, is your mother there?' persisted the tourist.
'Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the Yankee, ' are you never together as a family?, I'd like to meet your family' '
Sure, anytime, but not here,' said the kid through the door, 'This is the toilet.'
'Yep, I'm here' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the New York tourist.
'Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,' said the kid.
Well, is your mother there?' persisted the tourist.
'Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the Yankee, ' are you never together as a family?, I'd like to meet your family' '
Sure, anytime, but not here,' said the kid through the door, 'This is the toilet.'
Bad Stamp
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and 1.73 million dollars in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and 1.73 million dollars in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.
Luigi
Luigi's wife had recently died and she was being buried. Luigi was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends. "Don't worry Luigi, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy"
"I know, I know," says Luigi, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"
"I know, I know," says Luigi, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"
The Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Southwest Airlines
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son asked his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did..."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did..."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
Confessional
A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
Blonde
A fellow took his girlfriend, Bitzi, a natural blonde, to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M&Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
Trip to the Holy Land
A Scotsman, who was planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
New survey
According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality...
This was a survey published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."
This was a survey published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."
Shoes for wedding
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"
"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"
"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
School reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Attorney/ witness
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Duck hunting
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Next question please
Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
Next question please
Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
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