A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"
Head of lettuce
Pepper
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
Leaders
God summoned Fidel Castro, Jacques Chirac and George W. Bush before him.
HE told them that they were ruining his precious Earth with all their pollutants, industrial fishing, logging, etc. HE told them to clean up their act or he would make the whole mankind shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity. Go! Tell your people.
Fidel Castro goes back to his people and tells them, "I have two things to tell you, both of them bad. One, God exists. Two, if we don't clean up the planet we will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity."
Jacques Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I have two things to tell you, one good and one bad. One, God exists; and two, if we don't clean up the planet, mankind will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity."
George W. Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I have two things to tell you, both of them good. One, God does exist and two, there'll soon be work for everyone!"
Fancy costume party
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on, just a pair of pants.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation." said the man, "I just came in my pants!"
Mathematical help
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
The Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
European Commission
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of Double letters which have always Ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should GO away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "Z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
SJFT
Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog seeks a duck.
Rip the wife's panties off
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me," he replied.
Monkey and Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to river bank, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?"
Biker
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND-JOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering ," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I sure am."
The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, and make me a cheeseburger."
Barracks
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouts. . . "Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say 'Good Night'. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is, "SHUT THE HECK UP!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the back of the darkened barracks. . . "Good Night, Sergeant!"
Southern Baptist
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?"
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Peddling dirty pictures
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
Blonde
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Woman having an affair
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm naked!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.
One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."
Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!"
The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."
Bush meets young students
One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: whats your name
John: john
Bush: What's you question
John: Sir I have three questions
1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO
2) where is osama
3) why do America support Pakistan so much
Bush: You are an intelligent student John. (Just then the bell for recess rang). Oh dear! Students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush: OK children, where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any questions?
Peter raises his hand
Bush :Whats your name?
Peter : Sir I have 5 questions.
1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO
2) where is osama
3) why do America support Pakistan so much
4) why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time
5) where is JOHN?
Stern teacher
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke... "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross" And the other one is "cool" Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks, "So, what are they?"
Swiss
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.
Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"
After Surgery
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
Gas Company
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Choir
Moth
The guy says, "Well, your light was on..."
The Irish Pub
This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat.
"Patrick", he says.
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs; but, if you wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"
"Well, you know me brothers Michael and John moved to New York".
"Aye".
"Well, I promised me brothers that I would have a pint every night in our favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the time when we were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"
"Aye".
This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it
anymore, so they ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.
So, the bartender approaches Pat and asks, "Patrick?"
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".
"WHAT, What tragedy??"
"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".
"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think something happened to one of me brothers??"
"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something happened to one of your brothers."
"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that the doctor said I had to take better care of myself, so I decided to quit drinking."
Real joke from a contributor
One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
Cure for Lateness
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
SJFT
Q: What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
North American Beer Festival
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The Bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give Me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Afternoon tea
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
"So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?"
"Oh, you know how it is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me."
"How?" asks mom. "Oh, stuff...." says daughter.
"Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters," continues mom.
"I don't know," answers the daughter.
"Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me," says mom.
"OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"
Good question! Next question!
Q: Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
A: You didn't?! It's all over town!
Dinosaur
A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow! I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"
How to become a newfie
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neuro-surgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.."
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neuro-surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neuro-surgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Virgins
Two virgins are riding down a cobbled road on bicycles.One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobble-stones."
Lawyer kills a duck
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Good Question! Next Question!
Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.
Little Johnny - Productive Salesmanship
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467.00" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher..."How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'. Then I would say, 'It IS shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'
Dancing Duck
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Little Johnny - Agriculture
One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of class?" she asks.
Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?".
"Its a rake".
"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny.
"That's a pitchfork" says little Suzy.
"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny. Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".
All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."
"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe".
"What? My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"
Shoplifter
He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them.
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
Dinner Out
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
How Indian professors speak English
2.Both of you three get out of the class!
3.Why are you so late… say yes or no!
4.Take 5 cm wire of any length! [Best one!!!]
5.I have two daughters. Both of them are girls!!
6.All of u stand in a straight circle
7.Quite… the principal just passed away...
8.Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window when I am here
From the mouths of babes
A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk.
The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys.
After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them.
Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her.
Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy.
His friend asked why was she following them.
Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.
Blonde cops
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Who is better on computers
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out.
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God just shrugged and said......"Jesus saves!"
Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.
Live and learn.
Pauly
Men in Bars
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
...or they do.
Construction Work
vacation at engineering university he used to work on repairing
construction equipment.
One afternoon he was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very
large bolts holding it together. On of the nuts had corroded on to the
bolt; to free it he started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene
torch.
As he was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices he had ever known
came along. He asked him what he was doing.
The guy patiently explained that if he heated the nut it would grow
larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into his mind. "Yes," he said, "that's why
days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know I always
wondered about that," he said.
Genie
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."
Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least can I do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart" said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Never fight back
Wife: "I clean the toilet bowl."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
Verdict
"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner. "But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra."
Top 15 Surprise Features of the iPhone
15 Comes with a default "One of us! One of us! One of us!" ringtone.
14 The middle row of the new keypad arrangement spells out "B I L G A T E S U X."
13 Won't work if it detects you wearing eyeglasses and a suit.
12 Dial #666 to change all the digital "paintings" in Bill Gates' mansion to anime porn.
11 The right key sequence turns it into a Jedi light sabre.
10 Purchasing the iJack add-on feature means you need not actually be in the same vicinity as your significant other ever again.
9 Just drop it in a glass of Jolt Cola to recharge it.
8 Includes video of a steel-cage match between the nerdy-cool "I'm a Mac" guy and the nerdy-cool "Can you hear me now" Verizon guy.
7 Comes with its own "Official Apple Beta-Tester Club" card and badge.
6 The new touch screen, combined with AT&T's wireless service, allows you to reach out and fondle someone.
5 Rounded edges and mirror smooth surface makes it easier to shove up the ass of a smug owner.
4 iVelcro features allows easy attaching to your Segway or Vespa.
3 It conveniently combines all your indispensable functions -- phone, camera, music player and PDA -- into a single overpriced, easily lost device.
2 It's name is an anagram of "hip one" -- how friggin' cool is THAT?!?
and the Number 1 Surprise Features of the iPhone...
1 Cranial-GPS feature comes in handy when you realize you've lost your mind and paid $600 for a freakin' phone!
Great round of golf
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a great round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that." "
The Idiot
It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.
It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."
"What do you want to know?" I responded.
"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"