A respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Wedding
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride. The Judge says," OK".
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride. The Judge says," OK".
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"
Biker
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No, I haven't."
The biker drives on until he sees another car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No, I haven't."
Then suddenly there is a curve, and the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No, I haven't."
The biker drives on until he sees another car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No, I haven't."
Then suddenly there is a curve, and the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
Golf
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Rabbi & Priest
One day, the rabbi asked the priest if he could sit in on a confession session since he had always been curious about what went on. The priest agreed and that afternoon of them the two of them were sitting in a confession booth. A woman came in and said, "I have sinned. I have committed adultery three times this past week."
The priest said, "Put twenty dollars in the poor box and your sins will be forgiven."
Just then the priest's secretary came and asked the priest if he could take a long distance phone call.
The priest said to the rabbi, "You carry on. You know how it goes."
The next woman said, "Father I have sinned. I have committed adultery twice this past week."
The rabbi said, "Go and commit adultery once more. We have a special on this week -- three for twenty dollars."
The priest said, "Put twenty dollars in the poor box and your sins will be forgiven."
Just then the priest's secretary came and asked the priest if he could take a long distance phone call.
The priest said to the rabbi, "You carry on. You know how it goes."
The next woman said, "Father I have sinned. I have committed adultery twice this past week."
The rabbi said, "Go and commit adultery once more. We have a special on this week -- three for twenty dollars."
New Seaman
The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to "get your ass over here".
"What's your name sailor?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.
"John", the new guy replied.
The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal, pansy-ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself perfectly clear sailor?"
"Aye, aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling Chief. My name is John Darling, Chief!"
"Okay......John, here's what I want you to do..."
"What's your name sailor?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.
"John", the new guy replied.
The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal, pansy-ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself perfectly clear sailor?"
"Aye, aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling Chief. My name is John Darling, Chief!"
"Okay......John, here's what I want you to do..."
Mohammad
Mohammad entered his school classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," answered the boy.
Here in France, there is no Mohammad. "From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "The day went well Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents? Your heritage? Shame on you!" ...And she beat him. Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened my little Jean- Francois?"
"Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arab terrorists."
"Mohammad," answered the boy.
Here in France, there is no Mohammad. "From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "The day went well Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents? Your heritage? Shame on you!" ...And she beat him. Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened my little Jean- Francois?"
"Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arab terrorists."
Arab student sends an e-mail
Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad :
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser
----------------------------------------------------
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser
----------------------------------------------------
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad
Football
It's just before England v France at the Millennium Stadium, an important European Championship qualifier game. David Beckham goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only France. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered" Beckham looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself, you lads go down the pub." So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself and the rest of theEngland team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes)" He is beating France all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Millennium Stadium : England 1 (Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Zidane 89 minutes).
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against France!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!!!!"
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only France. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered" Beckham looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself, you lads go down the pub." So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself and the rest of theEngland team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes)" He is beating France all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Millennium Stadium : England 1 (Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Zidane 89 minutes).
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against France!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!!!!"
Three Brazilian Soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head
in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
American general
An American general was speaking, via an interpreter, to a battalion of Vietnamese troops. At one point, he told a rather long and somewhat convoluted joke. When it was the interpreter's turn to interpret, he spoke for about 4 seconds, and the audience burst into laughter, pleasing the general. A captain, along on the trip, turned to a Vietnamese officer and asked how the interpreter managed to convey the general's joke so quickly.
The Vietnamese officer replied, "The interpreter said 'The American general has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'"
The Vietnamese officer replied, "The interpreter said 'The American general has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'"
Police officer
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Golfer
A golfer went to Hell and when he got there he found true paradise. Lush greens, few bunkers, long and smooth fairways and above all, unlimited people to play with. The golfer thought nothing of his situation and he immediately fetched his clubs. The Devil asked to join him and they began playing.
On the first hole, he hit an eagle and for every hole after that, he got it at first go. The unfortunate Devil took five strokes to get to the first hole. The rest of the game was repetition of the first hole.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer decided to call over the other guys who had stopped playing and were watching them. He was sure it would be a hole-in-one again and the Devil would be no match. What was better than defeating the Devil in his own backyard.
As he drew up his Big Bertha driver, he took careful aim and let out a rip-roaring ball towards the flag. The ball sailed nicely and started to descend right on course for the hole. As he watched, the ball touched down three meters (ten feet) from the hole and rolled to the very lip of the cup and was on the verge of either stopping, or dropping in.
Suddenly everything vanished and there he was, roasting in the eternal fire. He cried out in astonishment and then the Devil came and said "Welcome to Hell.and part of it is not seeing whether the ball made it in or not."
On the first hole, he hit an eagle and for every hole after that, he got it at first go. The unfortunate Devil took five strokes to get to the first hole. The rest of the game was repetition of the first hole.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer decided to call over the other guys who had stopped playing and were watching them. He was sure it would be a hole-in-one again and the Devil would be no match. What was better than defeating the Devil in his own backyard.
As he drew up his Big Bertha driver, he took careful aim and let out a rip-roaring ball towards the flag. The ball sailed nicely and started to descend right on course for the hole. As he watched, the ball touched down three meters (ten feet) from the hole and rolled to the very lip of the cup and was on the verge of either stopping, or dropping in.
Suddenly everything vanished and there he was, roasting in the eternal fire. He cried out in astonishment and then the Devil came and said "Welcome to Hell.and part of it is not seeing whether the ball made it in or not."
Next question please
Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: "Debbie does nothing"
A: It's called: "Debbie does nothing"
Big game hunter
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would
put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They
brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion Shot with a .416 rifle." He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had
one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They
brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion Shot with a .416 rifle." He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had
one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
Beer Plaques
* Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Reality is an illusion that is brought upon by the lack of alcohol.
* A woman drove me to drink. I sure regret I didn't get a chance to thank her.
* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.
* Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder.
* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so if you get wasted all of the time, you'll have the time of your life.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Beer is good food.
* It's better to have a beer in the hand than gas in the tank.
* Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* A beer in the hand beats two in the bush.
* One more drink and I'll be under the host.
* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza.
* I don't work out. It cuts into my drinking time.
* People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.
* I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
* Draft beer, not people!
* Reality is an illusion that is brought upon by the lack of alcohol.
* A woman drove me to drink. I sure regret I didn't get a chance to thank her.
* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.
* Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder.
* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so if you get wasted all of the time, you'll have the time of your life.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Beer is good food.
* It's better to have a beer in the hand than gas in the tank.
* Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* A beer in the hand beats two in the bush.
* One more drink and I'll be under the host.
* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza.
* I don't work out. It cuts into my drinking time.
* People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.
* I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
* Draft beer, not people!
Police department
The police department received a call at 1 a.m. from a professor at the local university who reported a break-in. "The man was a huge brute," the professor reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possible way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis."
"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two."
"We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the officer said.
"Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said, "he's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two."
"We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the officer said.
"Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said, "he's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
Fourth-grade teacher
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order, everybody sitting absolutely still.
She was shocked and stunned. "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why were you so well-behaved and quiet?"
From the back of the room Little Johnny piped up, "One time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead."
She was shocked and stunned. "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why were you so well-behaved and quiet?"
From the back of the room Little Johnny piped up, "One time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead."
Making love
"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"
Kinko
While Jake was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, he noticed that, sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store, there was a storefront with all the windows suspiciously blacked out.
Over the door was a sign that proudly declared, "Welcome to Kinko's. We have nothing to do with office supplies."
Over the door was a sign that proudly declared, "Welcome to Kinko's. We have nothing to do with office supplies."
Thoughts For The Day
1. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"- Tom Clancy
2. "You know that 'look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin
3. "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Drew Carey
4. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
5. "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield
6. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."- Woody Allen
7. "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns
8. "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry
9. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
10. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - Henry Miller
2. "You know that 'look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin
3. "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Drew Carey
4. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
5. "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield
6. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."- Woody Allen
7. "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns
8. "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry
9. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
10. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - Henry Miller
Casino
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas had been doing very badly in the casinos. The groom told the bride, "I have a hunch that I can turn our luck around if I go down to the casino alone."
Once in the casino, he put a dollar into each of two slot machines. He hit the jackpot on both of them and walked away with $10,000. He then played blackjack for a couple of hours until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000. He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. The ball landed on Double Zero.He returned to his room. His bride asked, "How did you do?"
The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
Once in the casino, he put a dollar into each of two slot machines. He hit the jackpot on both of them and walked away with $10,000. He then played blackjack for a couple of hours until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000. He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. The ball landed on Double Zero.He returned to his room. His bride asked, "How did you do?"
The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)