A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Torah in your lap. Open the Torah; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Torah will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer.
That will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Jewish businessman
Sperm Count
Feeling his vitality sagging, an 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
On-the-job Training
they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an
extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the
trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin... ...and hurled the
extinguisher into the blaze.
Bean soup
"Good heavens," he said. "What is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
Talking Clock
student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's my talking clock," the young man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," he answered and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Flat tire
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by facing the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
Supporting a Family
prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to
support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father, "There are twelve of us".
Process Improvement
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the waiter
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff
had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson
Consulting,experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other
utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour.
If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours
per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace It
with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was
rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to
look around.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter's fly (zip).
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before
he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why
you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that
we can save time in the restroom." "How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what
. . ., we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that
way eliminate the need to wash the > hands, shortening the time spent
in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how
do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even
further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Good question. Next question!
Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Q & A on Health
Q : I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain ? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up !
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program ?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain ... good!
Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you ?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q : Is chocolate bad for me ?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable !!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q : Is swimming good for your figure ?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what a ride!"
Ice Fishing Secret
cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there
for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out
onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy
dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth
Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
couldn't take it any longer.
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've
been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do
you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Children's Property Laws
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.
If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
Bad stomach complaint
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what can be done. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain.
The doctor tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts in one eye.
Listen To Your Loved Ones
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
Migraine headaches
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex, and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
Church members
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on Vickie's door who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.
To Vickies' surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
Playpen
I can't get any rest and I'm pulling my hair out."
"What you need is a playpen so the kids can't get to you and you can
get some rest," her friend suggested.
So she bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask
how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it." Mary said. "I get in the playpen with a
good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
Laws Newton missed
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an
engaged tone.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is directly
proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
____________________________________________________________________________________
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SJFT (or maybe not)
Q: You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A: Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything.
Practical Indlish
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
SJFT
Q: Why did the Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
A: Because they wore their buckle on their hat.
Sardar joke 3 (SJFT)
To avoid side effects!!!
Santa Singh MBBS
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said "Battery is Ok" !!!
Sardar joke 2
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
Celebration
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Wooden leg
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: "I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?"
Funeral procession
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man calmly replied "Join the queue."
SJFT
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Australian tour
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago."
[Aussie speak: Ute = utility vehicle or pickup truck]
Playing golf
Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
How many Group members does it take to change a lightbulb
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again.
Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"