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CIA Interviews

Three men go for interviews with the CIA. One of the requirements for the interviewing process is that you have to bring a family member.

The first guy makes it through the interview, and he's thinking, "This is great, this is what I've always wanted to do. It's perfect."

At the end of the interview the interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"

The man replies, "Yes, I brought my mother, she's in the next room."

The interviewer says, "Okay, I want you to take this gun, go in the room, and shoot your mother."

The man says, "Wow, I'm sorry, but I can't shoot my mother."

The interviewer tells him, "I'm sorry, part of being in the CIA is that you can never question orders."

The next man comes in for the interview, same thing happens. He's totally excited and wants the job. The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?"

He says, "Yes, I brought my brother." The interviewer tells him, "I want you to take this gun, go in the next room and shoot your brother."

The man replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."

He also doesn't get the job.

The third man interviews, same thing happens. He thinks he's the right guy for the job and he's totally into joining the CIA.

The interviewer asks him, "Did you bring a family member?" He says, "Ya, I brought my wife."

The interviewer tells him I want you to take this gun, go into the next room and shoot your wife."

The man replies, "Well, okay."

He goes in to the room and the interviewer hears three gunshots followed by a bunch of struggling and loud banging.

He goes in the room and says, "What are you doing!" The interviewee answers, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the nag."

Travelling Blonde

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Keys locked in car

Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."

"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."

Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

Bank robbery

A guy robs a bank and takes hostages. In the course of the robbery his mask slips off. He asks one of the hostages, "Did you see my face?"

The hostage answers yes, and the robber shoots him. Then the robber turns to the second hostage. "Did you see my face?"

"No, but my wife did ..."

Memory school

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

Wal-Mart

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her--being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Finest Mink

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

New disease

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolation Neutralizing Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Remedy (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends (or even if you can't think of 5), you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...

New electric train

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue: "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

Walmart wines

The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine

15. Box O' Grapes

14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide

13. White Trashfindel

12. Big Red Gulp

11. Grape Expectations

10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

9. NASCARbernet

8. Chef Boyardeaux

7. Peanut Noir

6. Blue Light Special Nun

5. Chateau des Moines

4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

Giuseppi & Tony

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

Why Men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

---------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25^th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!

I yelled at my wife: " Why did you do that , you psycho! You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy ?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband:"That's it. We are happily married ever after. "

Airline complaints

A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complaints rather loudly.

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds, so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and get back to work"

Pope

The Pope was on a visit to New York to speak to the General Assembly at the UN. The Secretary General was to pick him up personally at the airport but, being detained by some crisis or another, sent his personal limo on ahead instead.

The driver held up a sign that simply said "Pope" and explained to the Pope what had happened and that he was there to take him to UN headquarters. He invited the Pope to sit in the back of the limo. The Pope got in and, boy, was he impressed: 9 yard leather seats, one-way tinted glass, Dom P. on ice, air conditioning, sliding sun roof, stereo, television with satellite dish, computer and fax machine, magic fingers under the seat, all of the comforts.

Then the Pope saw the driver: Walkman headphones on, wrap around Raybans, leather racing gloves, elbow out the window, wind blowing in the hair, and so on.

The Pope knocked on the glass and said: "My good man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you have never sat back here before and I have never driven one of these things before so, what do you say, shall we trade places? You come back here and let me drive?"

The driver resisted at first but eventually agreed. He pulled over to the curb, go out, let the Pope behind the wheel and settled into the back with the bottle of bubbly.

The Pope adjusted the mirrors, put on the headphones, turned up Tina Turner, stuck his elbow out the window and stuck his foot in it: 80 mph, 100, 120, settled in at 140 mph and flew right past a motorcycle cop.

The cop switched on the overhead, gave chase and, with much difficulty, finally pulled the limo over about two miles down the road. He swaggered over to the driver side, rapped on the window and started to say: "Look buddy, what in the holy crap do you think you are...." and he saw the Pope behind the wheel.

He went back to his motorcycle and got the shift sergeant on the radio.

He said: "Sarge, Mullaney here, look I have pulled over this limo here on 47th Street for speeding and we got a problem. It's a VIP."

The sergeant said: "OK Mike, I understand, tell me. Just how important is he? Is he, for instance, more important than the Chief of Police?"

Mullaney said: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Chief."

"Alright", said the Sergeant, "is he more important than, say, the Mayor?"

Mullaney said that he was even more important than the Mayor.

The Sergeant asked: "The Governor?" and Mullaney answered: "Yes, Sarge, more important than the Governor even."

The Sergeant said: "But, surely, not more important than the Senator?" Mullaney replied that this VIP was much more important than even the Senator.

The Sergeant began to be a bit worried and asked: "God man, you didn't stop the President of the United States did you?"

The cop said: "No sir I didn't, but this man is even more important than the President."

The sergeant said: "More important even than the President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Then tell me, who is it?"

The cop said: "Well Sarge, I can't rightly say who he is but I can tell you this. His driver is the Pope!"

Man in bar

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."

Faith healer

A patient tells the doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but I wasn't getting any better."

The doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?"

"He told me to come see you," replied the new patient.

Vet

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Sweep out the store

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

UN Survey...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure , coz

- In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

- In India they didn't know what ' honest ' meant,

- In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

- In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

- In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

- In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

- And in the USA they didn't know what ' the rest of the world ' meant!!!

Playing With Our Words

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

I Owe My Mother For Teaching Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

9. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

10. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Malayali from Kerala (India)

This is a story about Kuttappan the Great

He is a Malayali working for a multinational company in Mumbai. Not well educated and working as a peon. Whenever Kuttappan hears somebody talk he will come in between saying that he knows the person very well. One day Kuttappan's boss - a foreign educated person, and a North Indian was talking something about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kuttappan was passing thru, suddenly he came in between saying that oh Arni he is my best friend.

Kuttapan's boss laughed at him saying that how can u be a friend of Arnold Schwarzenegger you are only a peon living in India. Kuttappan said if u wont believe its your problem I can't help you. Ok, the Manager said I am going on a trip to US next week you come as my assistant and we will go to Arnold's house and see what happens. Kuttappan agreed with a smile. A week after they landed in US. First they went to NY. Arnold was there in NY. They went to meet Arnold. Seeing Kuttappan Arnold ran towards Kuttappan and hugged him asking that hey Kuttappan long time no see where were you man? Kuttappan went with Arnold to have some coffee.

Boss was stunned. When Kuttappan came back the boss told him that we will go to Clintons place. Let's find out whether u know him or not. Kuttappan agreed with a smile. At Clinton's home Clinton also did the same as Schwarzenegger asking that where were you my friend for long time? Kuttappan went to have tea with Clinton while the boss was sitting out side the gate

When Kuttappan came back boss said I have to go to Vatican to get blessings from Pope John Paul, so u come with me. At the Vatican crowd from all over the world is waiting to see Pope John Paul. Kuttappan and his boss are also there. Boss asked Kuttappan, do you know Pope
John Paul. Kuttappan said y not? Boss told Kuttappan that he will not believe this. Kuttappan asked boss to wait for some time and went inside the crowd. After 15 minutes Kuttappan came on the balcony along with Pope John Paul. Pope John Paul was holding Kuttappan's hand.
Kuttappan's boss became unconscious and fell down.When Kuttappan came back his boss was on a stretcher by his side nurses and paramedics. Kuttappan asked Sir what happened.

Then boss told; Kuttappa u know Arnold I believe, u know Clinton I believe and u know Pope John Paul I believe that too but WHEN U CAME WITH POPE AT THE BALCONY THE CROWD WERE ASKING WHO IS HOLDING THE HAND OF KUTTAPPAN after hearing that I became unconscious.

Next question please

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

When we get married

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Indian chief

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a tepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a tepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret.

He built this one a two story tepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Shamus and Murphy

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! "

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Royalty On The Airplane

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendant was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch! So put the tray up!"

Difference between Women and Men

Names

Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating out

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing up

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Next question please

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

Fishing in Central Park

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to
the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Tired and winded

The new patient was sharing his woes with an understanding doctor: "After the first, I'm usually tired and winded, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.

"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third floor."

Elaborate funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

Homeless woman

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Incredible golf ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and
if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but the guy shows his friend all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

Adam and Eve

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."