A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.
Shotgun
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk.
And she says, "Are you kidding? He doesn't even know yet that I'm going to shoot him!"
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk.
And she says, "Are you kidding? He doesn't even know yet that I'm going to shoot him!"
One wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. If I do it, so many jobs will be finished. Labour is lost, finance is lost.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. If I do it, so many jobs will be finished. Labour is lost, finance is lost.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Mexican Maid
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I do?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that, as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I do?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that, as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Small town
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
New York Police Department
The New York Police Department was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
Polish divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Client: Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Client: It is made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don't think you understand.
Lawyer: Does either of you have a grudge?
Client: No, we have a carport, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?
Client: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Client: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Client: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Client: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Client: She is going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Client: I got proof.
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Client: She is going to poison me.
Client: She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom.
Client: I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Client: Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Client: It is made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don't think you understand.
Lawyer: Does either of you have a grudge?
Client: No, we have a carport, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?
Client: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Client: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Client: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Client: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Client: She is going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Client: I got proof.
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Client: She is going to poison me.
Client: She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom.
Client: I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'
French tourist
A tourist from France goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.
The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write, 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled, 'SEX'.
The official explains, "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We want to know either 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write, 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled, 'SEX'.
The official explains, "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We want to know either 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
Job Prospects
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop...given luck and god's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! And after Pope?"
The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become god."
"Why not? One of our boys made it."
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop...given luck and god's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! And after Pope?"
The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become god."
"Why not? One of our boys made it."
Dentist
The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.'
Mental institution
Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves.
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
Food for thought
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
Testify
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
Trip to Australia
Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
Toothache
Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"
Climb the ladder to success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
Clock
A young pretty female schoolteacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"
After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"
After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
Dance
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
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