Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
Las Vegas convention
Jill spotted John across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Jill asked John if he would like to join her for a drink.
"I don't know," said John. "I've got a wife and two kids at home."
To which Jill replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." John thought about it for a second and then agreed.
A few drinks later, Jill invited John up to her room for a nightcap. When John hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And John agreed.
After a few more drinks in Jill's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and Jill asked if John would be interested in a little party. John, bewildered, exclaimed, "If I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"
"I don't know," said John. "I've got a wife and two kids at home."
To which Jill replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." John thought about it for a second and then agreed.
A few drinks later, Jill invited John up to her room for a nightcap. When John hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And John agreed.
After a few more drinks in Jill's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and Jill asked if John would be interested in a little party. John, bewildered, exclaimed, "If I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"
Father and son hunting
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling scream. And ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat...I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked......."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling scream. And ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat...I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked......."
Blind man
A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Phone
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Judy has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Judy, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Threads
Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Jim beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Jim with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
Cowboy
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, "he says. "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
Sex in public
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
No underwear
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Old Jewish man
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
The Programmer and the Genie
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
Spanish fly
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hardhearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hardhearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
Catholic mothers
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!"
Gates of Heaven
Three women arrived simultaneously at the gates of Heaven and were greeted by St. Peter. There will be a place for each of you once you have confessed your sins," he assured them, turning gravely to the 1st woman.
"I married one man, but I loved another," she admitted, blushing, "so I divorced my husband, and married the man I loved."
"Show her to the silver gates," St. Peter instructed a minion, and turned to the 2nd woman.
I loved one man, married him, and lived happily ever after," went her story. St. Peter directed her to be shown thru the golden gates, and turned toward the 3rd woman.
"I was a dancer in a cabaret," she confessed with a becoming blush, "and I pleased every man who came to see me, pleased them WELL for the right price."
"Show her to my room," said St. Peter.
"I married one man, but I loved another," she admitted, blushing, "so I divorced my husband, and married the man I loved."
"Show her to the silver gates," St. Peter instructed a minion, and turned to the 2nd woman.
I loved one man, married him, and lived happily ever after," went her story. St. Peter directed her to be shown thru the golden gates, and turned toward the 3rd woman.
"I was a dancer in a cabaret," she confessed with a becoming blush, "and I pleased every man who came to see me, pleased them WELL for the right price."
"Show her to my room," said St. Peter.
Next question please
Q: What To Do With 1000 Bras
A: Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with their feminine side.
A: Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with their feminine side.
Cooking breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Sea Mammal
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor! "That would be 'defeeting the porpoise.'"
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor! "That would be 'defeeting the porpoise.'"
Refrigerator repair service
Blonde calling refrigerator repair service: "My refrigerator isn't working!"
"What kind is it?"
"It's a small one."
"Electric, gas or propane?"
"Propane."
"Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well"
Second call, a few minutes later: "The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!"
"What kind is it?"
"It's a small one."
"Electric, gas or propane?"
"Propane."
"Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well"
Second call, a few minutes later: "The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!"
Important meeting
Keoki was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and poke".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Keoki looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Keoki looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Castrated
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement?
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it`s done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"
The Lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
What is confidence
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!!!
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!!!
Recession Update
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the 25 thieves. "15 were laid off "
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, "and not money"
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: "Start off with a large one."
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out "I'm now America 's third biggest lender."
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: "Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon."
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: "In a few weeks, nothing."
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a wall street banker: 'This is worse than divorce. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife!!!!..'
UNITED STATES OF IRAN
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Supermarket
A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
Rural pub
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied
"Can you get him for me?" I need to speak to him,", she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I cant", breathed the bartender.."is there anything I can do"
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered. "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied
"Can you get him for me?" I need to speak to him,", she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I cant", breathed the bartender.."is there anything I can do"
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered. "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Tanning salon
One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon.
One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"
The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."
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