Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.
Some years later they met again.
"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "How are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said. "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "e's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin candle."
Cinderella
Cinderella is sitting home, crying. A fairy flies by and hears the crying, so he decides to check it out. He goes in and asks Cinderella: "Why are you crying?"
"Others are at the ball, but I can't go there!"
Why?"
"I'm having my period"
"Others have periods too, but they are at the ball?"
"Yes, but I don't have a tampon!"
So the fairy gives Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in a silver box. Even Cinderella's mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons. So Cinderella goes to the ball. Later that night, past midnight, Cinderella comes home, her legs spread wide open, like she has given birth to five babies. The same fairy happens to see her and asks, what happened?
"You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will turn into a pumpkin!"
"Others are at the ball, but I can't go there!"
Why?"
"I'm having my period"
"Others have periods too, but they are at the ball?"
"Yes, but I don't have a tampon!"
So the fairy gives Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in a silver box. Even Cinderella's mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons. So Cinderella goes to the ball. Later that night, past midnight, Cinderella comes home, her legs spread wide open, like she has given birth to five babies. The same fairy happens to see her and asks, what happened?
"You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will turn into a pumpkin!"
Old lady
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
Weight Loss Programs
Jason calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, Jason takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same the thing happens. On the fifth day, Jason weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised!
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, Jason is out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when Jason weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' Jason replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.' Jason lost 63 pounds that week.
Without a second thought, Jason takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same the thing happens. On the fifth day, Jason weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised!
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, Jason is out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when Jason weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' Jason replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.' Jason lost 63 pounds that week.
Congressman
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,' Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,' Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?
Proud father
His girl's proud father was leading a young suitor through the voluminous pages of the old family album. After seeing scores of members of the clan, the young man was finally shown the picture of a solid-looking old gentleman.
"This," said the father proudly, "is the founder of the family."
"What did he do?" asked the young man.
"He founded the family," the older man said again.
"I mean, sir," the suitor floundered, "what did he do to distinguish himself?"
"He was the founder of the family," the father rasped in exasperation.
"I understand that, sir," the suitor sighed. "I just wondered what the old gent did in the day-time."
"This," said the father proudly, "is the founder of the family."
"What did he do?" asked the young man.
"He founded the family," the older man said again.
"I mean, sir," the suitor floundered, "what did he do to distinguish himself?"
"He was the founder of the family," the father rasped in exasperation.
"I understand that, sir," the suitor sighed. "I just wondered what the old gent did in the day-time."
Overweight
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
Great actor
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
Speeding
When asked by a young patrol officer "Do you know you were speeding?" this 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating "Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going!"
Food for thought
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Fundamentals of economics
The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics led the discussion around to the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out. "What people would you guess reproduce the most?"
One bright student answered, "Women?"
One bright student answered, "Women?"
Real Meaning
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."
Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."
Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Heaven or hell
Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, mathematician disappeared, too.
The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that. The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right." "Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my asshole."
And the Chief went to Heaven...
"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, mathematician disappeared, too.
The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that. The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right." "Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my asshole."
And the Chief went to Heaven...
Play a game
Judi and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."
Food for thought
1. One human cell contains 75 MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5 MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml of semen.
5. This means that the output of a man's member is
= (37.5 MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/ 5
= 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second
= 1,6875 terabyte/sec
This implies that the female egg cell withstands this DoS (Denial of Service) attack at 1.5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one (!) data package, thereby being the best freaking HADWARE FIREWALL in the world!
But still this very small data package that it lets through, HANGS THE SYSTEM FOR THE WHOLE OF NINE MONTHS
2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5 MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml of semen.
5. This means that the output of a man's member is
= (37.5 MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/ 5
= 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second
= 1,6875 terabyte/sec
This implies that the female egg cell withstands this DoS (Denial of Service) attack at 1.5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one (!) data package, thereby being the best freaking HADWARE FIREWALL in the world!
But still this very small data package that it lets through, HANGS THE SYSTEM FOR THE WHOLE OF NINE MONTHS
Blonde having coffee
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing
pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Linda... take the spoon out of the cup."
pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Linda... take the spoon out of the cup."
The 1st Day of School from a Child's Perspective
* The first day of school is always special to me. It's the only day of the year when I'm not behind in my homework.
* The first day of school wouldn't be so bad if it weren't followed by the second day of school, the third day of school, the fourth day of school...
* The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller coaster, and I wouldn't want to do that for nine months in a row either.
* Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That's because they're getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.
* Show me a kid who likes the first day at school and I'll show you a kid who likes to get his lip caught under a manhole cover.
* There's one good thing about the first day of school. When it's over you're one day closer to the last day of school.
* The first day of school wouldn't be so bad if it weren't followed by the second day of school, the third day of school, the fourth day of school...
* The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller coaster, and I wouldn't want to do that for nine months in a row either.
* Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That's because they're getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.
* Show me a kid who likes the first day at school and I'll show you a kid who likes to get his lip caught under a manhole cover.
* There's one good thing about the first day of school. When it's over you're one day closer to the last day of school.
Teacher
Teacher to student: "If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"
"Seven"
"Now, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"
"Seven."
"Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
"Six."
"Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"
"Seven."
"Where do you get seven from?"
"Because I have one rabbit at home."
"Seven"
"Now, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"
"Seven."
"Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
"Six."
"Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"
"Seven."
"Where do you get seven from?"
"Because I have one rabbit at home."
Dinner
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Next question please
Q: Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
A: It features full facial nudity!
A: It features full facial nudity!
Sunday Mass
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that
he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that
he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
How to avoid a shark attack:
1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freakin' life. And finally...
5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about you!
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freakin' life. And finally...
5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about you!
IRS
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Fire sale
"People," said the Sales Manager to the sales team, "We're going to be having a fire sale."
"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."
"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)