Pay raise

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
 
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

How old am I

A man in a nursing home asks his friend, "how old do you think I am?" 

The friend replies, "I don't know.  Eighty?" 

The man smiles.  "I'm actually ninety-three!" 

The friend is surprised.  "You look very good for your age.  I never would've guessed!" 

The man, feeling confident, goes up to a woman sitting nearby.  "Excuse me - how old do you think I am?" 

The woman looks closely at his face, then begins feeling his shoulders and arms.  Eventually she unzips his pants and puts her hand inside.  After feeling around for a moment, she says, "You're ninety-three." 

Shocked, the man asks, "How did you know?"

The woman says, "I heard you telling that guy."

What Indian Advertisements convey to us

1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem and Priyanka has chip-chip.
 
2. If you've a hot wife, make sure your neighbour doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.
 
4. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.
 
5. Every second oral care brand is No. 1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

6. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married, take her to a jewelry/ textile shop.

7. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

8. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!

9. All superstars are so poor that they prefer to risk life for a cool drink than to purchase it for Rs:10

10. The special effects in shampoo ads are greater than special effects in Avatar.

11. Fruit content in shampoos and soaps is more than the fruit content in 99% of juices.

12. Amul has better satirical cartoonists than people who make better milk products.

13. Most people buy vehicles to travel in bad roads but complain about roads in India.

14. You can't eat Dairy Milk Silk without spreading it all over you face.
 
15. Nobody uses motorbikes for commuting, its only to pick up girls.
 
16. All soaps kill 99.9% of germs.
 
17. People believe that Bacardi makes music CD's and Directors special/ Kingfisher make mineral water.

18. The only time mothers and daughters talk to each other, it's  usually about hair oil.

19. No matter what kind of expert one is, he'll always wear a  white laboratory coat. 

And, finally this

20. Mutual fund investments are always subject to market risks please read the offer document carefully before investing.

Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on .. and — the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone, and says with a lordly air, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.  There’s no telling what  what our engineer is going to come up with next!”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there; send him back immediately!
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU  going to get a lawyer?”

Management Concepts in a Bank Robbery!

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's enter the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the account the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.  The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers.  It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Future widow

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Fortune teller delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked “Will I be acquitted?”

Drunk on bus

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. "Mister," she said indignantly. "I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!"

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. "Christ, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Beans for lunch

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. 

    

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! 

 

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"...

Engagement ring

A man walks in to a jewelry shop to buy an engagement ring. He comes across a beautiful band with a big rock in its center. "Excuse me sir" he says to the salesman, "How much is this ring?'

The salesman replied " Ah, that's a beautiful piece, it is costs $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

10 Laws that Newton forgot

1.LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one

3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. 7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with 8. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! 9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach
10. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

How can NEWTON the greatest inventor of our times be left behind. : NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11…. 
 
11. THE LAW OF MOTION : LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION !

INSTALLING HUSBAND.....

 A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems but it just doesn't seem to work.

What can I do?

Signed,........................




Reply...

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Beer 6.1..

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

To summarize - 1.0 is a great program. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Seminar on marriage

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this??
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time.
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore.

Old friends

Blonde on diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

Porche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money"

Wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put the cat on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

Drunk

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Dentist

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Irrefutable proof

That the correct woman can bring balance and stability to your life!

Blonde Convention

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Old man in diner

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is standing in the back yard with a hand full of M&M's and the cat by the tail in the other. His mom notices and watches him. He pops a couple M&M's, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple of steps.

Then he does it again pops a couple M&M's, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple steps.

Finally his mom comes out and says "Johnny what are you doing?" and he says, "I'm being a trucker mom. Popping some pills eaten some pussy and moving along."

Hot water in Montreal

A patron in a Montreal café turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute." Roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city"

Railroad accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it down the tracks. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it; the court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" he lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
 

Nicotine patch

This gay man takes off his clothes off for an examination and the doctor sees that he is wearing a nicotine patch at the end of his pe**s and says, "Hmmm, that's interesting. Does it work?"

"Sure does. I haven't had a butt in three weeks!"
 

So Cold

It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets!