Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.
One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!"
He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend. "What's wrong?" his friend asks.
"I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."
His friend tells him, "That's ok, I'll go talk to them."
He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend, "Small world..."
Golfing
Liquid Viagra
Pfizer Corporation announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "Cocktails", "Highballs" and just a good old fashioned "Stiff Drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO".
Sign Boards
Over a gynecologist's office "Dr.Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in
Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Cows in the real world
Bushism:
You have as many cows as you like. You preach to others not to have any.
Clintonism:
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbours' cows.
Musharrafism:
Nawaz Sharif has two cows. Take them over.
Osamaism:
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.
Talibanism:
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.
UNism:
You have two cows. You don’t milk them; you only lecture to them.
Socialism:
You have two cows and you give one to your neighbor.
Communism:
You have two cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism:
You have two cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism:
You have two cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.
Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation:
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A French Corporation:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation:
You have two cows. You redesign and re-engineer them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times more milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them worldwide
A German Corporation:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A British Corporation:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
An Italian Corporation:
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Russian Corporation:
You have two cows. You count them and learn that you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 32 cows. You count them again and learn you have only two cows. You stop counting cows and open a bottle of vodka.
A Chinese Corporation:
You have two cows. You have 200 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the news reporter who published the facts
Adam in Eden
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
Gynaecologist
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did all of it through the muffler."
Blonde neighbor
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"