A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."
Food for thought
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!
Yard Sale
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
Dog names
Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'
Old Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to he old rooster and says,
'OK, old fart, time for you to retire!' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DARN IT- that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance
'OK, old fart, time for you to retire!' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DARN IT- that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance
New airline rules
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, Sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the Airline's new Policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, Do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be Swell, Thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No Way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why Not? Is he going to 'Shoot me'?
Attendant: No, But there's a $50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The Airline is charging me for Cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this ?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the Airline's new Policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, Do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be Swell, Thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No Way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why Not? Is he going to 'Shoot me'?
Attendant: No, But there's a $50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The Airline is charging me for Cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this ?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Marc Faber on US Economy
Dr.Marc Faber is a well known investment analyst and entrepreneur. Faber is a regular speaker on the investment circuit, often in the financial press for his non-conformist viewpoint. Dr.Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following: "The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part."
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part."
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