Pay raise

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
 
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on .. and — the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone, and says with a lordly air, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.  There’s no telling what  what our engineer is going to come up with next!”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there; send him back immediately!
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU  going to get a lawyer?”

Professionals at work

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologists: "They have reproduced".

The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

Don't count on it

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Doctors at work

While having lunch in Central Park, a pair of retired doctors saw a man walking their way. His knees were pressed together, his hands were clenched in tight fists, and his wrists were bent inward, toward his wait.
"You still got your knack for diagnosing?" asked one doctor. "Sure. Why?" replied the other. He gestured toward the man. "I'd say the poor fellow's got cerebral palsy."

The other doctor shook his head. "Arthritis, for sure."

"Let's find out," said the first. However, before the doctor could ask, the man stopped in front of their bench. He said through his teeth, "Pardon me, but do either of you gentlemen know where in this damn park the rest rooms are?"

Man saves girl from lion

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

... And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days ..

Engineers

Three Engineers are debating the issue of who would be more likely to build the human body. One starts by saying that with all of the body's levers and joints a Mechanical Engineer would have been most likely.

The second argued that an Electrical Engineer would have made the human body with all of its electrical impulses throughout the nervous system.

The last one smirked before saying that it was obviously a civil engineer, who else would have put a recreation center so close to a major waste disposal site.

Slut

A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut "Where do you get all the money from?"

"That's easy" replied the rich slut, "Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy."

"Thanks says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can't find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up. The two went back to the guy's home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled "OW, my back! I'll sue you for this!" The man replied "Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!"

Cowboy in town

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Book salesman

A guy with a speech impediment (he stutters) gets a job selling books door-to-door.

On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o'clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.

The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the first day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o'clock with all the receipts, no books.

This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, "This is truly amazing, in a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What's your sales pitch?"

"W-w-well," says the salesman, "I s-s-say, 'D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?"

New employee policies

To All Employees - Effective February 2012 :

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

·         If we see gents wearing Reebok shoes or ladies carrying leather Gucci bags, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

·         If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

·         If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Leave Days

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called your weekly OFF. One each week. 52 weeks in a year.

Death Ceremony Leave (for acquaintances)

This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the afternoon. You can go during your lunch break and come back immediately.

Death Ceremony Leave (for self)

This may be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two week's notice, and it is your responsibility to train your replacement.

Toilet Use – Section 147/A

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 3:00 to 3:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 3:20 to 3:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may SWAP their toilet time with a co-worker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange.

Toilet Use – Section 147/B (this is our favorite!)

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls.

·         At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken   

·         After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Repeat Offenders category".

·         Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be prosecuted under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

This will now range from 5 minutes to 30 minutes according to the individual.

           

·         Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

·         Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal and maintain their average figure.

·         Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because they don't need to eat anyway.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations and accusations should be directed elsewhere. Thank you.

Office announcement

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'

Cow impregnation

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores: "A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tell him.

"What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang up your pants"

Hunters make better lovers

Why do hunters make better lovers?
1. They always go deep into the bush
2. They always shoot twice
3. They always eat what they kill

CIA meeting

A  CIA agent is sent on an assignment to Ireland. When he gets there, he's supposed to meet a contact named "Murphy". When he meets his contact, he's supposed to identify himself by saying, "It's a lovely day, and I'm sure it will be even better tonight."

So he arrives and heads to one of the pubs. Inside, he walks up to the bartender and says, "Excuse me, I'm looking for a man named Murphy." To which the Bartender replies, "Well, if you're looking' for Murphy the post man, he'll be at the post office, and Murphy the Police Man will be at the Police department, and if you're looking' for Murphy the Bartender, that's me."

So the man thinks about it for a minute, and then says to the Bartender, "It's a lovely day, and I'm sure it will be even better tonight."

And the Bartender says, "Oh, your looking' for Murphy the Spy, are yeh?"

Wrong medicine

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He approaches the clerk and asks: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough. "And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative."

The horrified pharmacist shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds; "Of course you can! Look at him; he is afraid to cough!"

Fighter pilots

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party ?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine ?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Aircraft time

On some US air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it ?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling ?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make ?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it's an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hour."

Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands". One thing led to another and they make love.

 After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing."

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the CEO "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared in the machine, "I just need one copy".