Criticism

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, so that when you criticize them you will be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

Women's instructions

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
• Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
• When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
  

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.......

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening', then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify... I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now!

Blonde winner

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire....

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush
Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you're right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build it's own nest?"

"Get real!" Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
 

Get out

My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and asked, "So now you want me to stay?"

Shoe salesman

At a shoe store a salesman helps this woman to try on some shoes. As he lifts up her leg to put on the shoe, he can see downtown because she's not wearing any panties. Risking his job the guy says, "I could eat that full of ice cream." The woman gets all embarrassed, slaps the guy and runs out of the store.

When she gets home she tells her husband to go beat that man up. Her husband says "First of all, you shouldn't have been anywhere without any panties. Second, I don't know what you were doing in there in the first place, because you have enough shoes as is. And thirdly, I'm not messing with anybody that eat that much ice cream."

Assigning genders to nouns

It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.