That the correct woman can bring balance and stability to your life!
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Women's instructions
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
- Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
- A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
- Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
- When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Cosmetic surgery
Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, 'I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'
The second woman says, 'Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached.'
The first woman replies, 'Funny, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde.
The first woman says, 'I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'
The second woman says, 'Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached.'
The first woman replies, 'Funny, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde.
Evil
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his care-giver!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his care-giver!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
Word and their meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Pair of pliers
A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later his brake cable snaps.
He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting.
However, he thinks she should understand what he wants if he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing".
So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes, I did," she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat."
He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting.
However, he thinks she should understand what he wants if he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing".
So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes, I did," she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat."
Spanish fly
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hardhearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hardhearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
Next question please
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Michigan woman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
Bow legged
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied, "I know. I know."
What do women really want? Eternal question answered
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom... The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden. But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day, or at night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT, make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.... OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now, what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is !
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember:
IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY' !!
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden. But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day, or at night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT, make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.... OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now, what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is !
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember:
IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY' !!
One wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. If I do it, so many jobs will be finished. Labour is lost, finance is lost.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. If I do it, so many jobs will be finished. Labour is lost, finance is lost.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Next question please
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.
A: She has a headache with the postman.
9 words women use
All you guys reading this - learn these by heart, they'll save your ass a million times!
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. In this case, DO NOT say "you're welcome" that will bring on a
"whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. In this case, DO NOT say "you're welcome" that will bring on a
"whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Mothers advice to be passed on to her daughters
* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there
* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone
* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
* Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart
* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable
* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types
* Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it
* Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital
* The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions
* If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check-books
* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his
* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there
* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone
* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
* Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart
* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable
* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types
* Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it
* Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital
* The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions
* If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check-books
* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his
Crossing river
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." POOF! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man saw how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river."
And POOF! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
Late for work
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Midlife
Mary: I wish I'd known more about midlife before I got here!
Jill: What do you mean?
Knowledge of pigs
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots John, and count them yourself!"
Birthday wish
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)