A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to
the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Miracle
Dirty pictures
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting, " and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Stop talking
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Church modernization
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father, protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son, but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' just can't stay on the church roof!!
Put your comments please!
Is there anybody out there?
- Pink Floyd
And if anyone's there, click on the Google ads!!!!
Email from God
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
New hearing aid
"Really? Are you wearing it now?" asked his friend.
"Yup," came the reply. "Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line."
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
Jews had to leave Italy
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
Good question! Next question!
Q: What is the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
Lord Help Me
**Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am PST
**God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
**God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
**God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
**Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
**God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
**God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
**Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
**God, help me to finish everything I sta
**God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
**God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.
And would you mind putting that in writing?
**Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
**Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
**Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
**Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
Amen.
Two-storey house
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
Wife is unfaithful
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Marriage ceremony
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.......... but not the poor groom!
Fact of life!
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where You're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you Expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Advantages of Being Old
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
IT Industry
1.) You use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your Milkman, you say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues"
2.) Your prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to you by friends whose faces you can't remember.
3) You drink more tea or coffee than water.
4) You keep trying to shut down your home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
5) When your mobile rings at home, you rush outside to receive the call.
6) When you make calls at home, you accidentally dial "0"to get an outside line.
7) You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
8) Your last crush was a girl in HR, Your current crush is the new girl in HR and all your crushes in the future will be girls in HR.
9) You spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/ coffee and playing table Tennis and then complain about the late working hours.
10.) Your important 'meetings' usually comprise a maximum of two or three people, including yourself.
11) You secretly prepare for CAT only to find your PL (project leader) sitting behind you at the exam.
13.) You keeps pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going out.
14.) You email your mate who works at the desk next to you.
15.) As you read this list, you're thinking of sending it to your friends who are also in IT.
16.) You are too busy to notice there was no line no. 12
17.) You're not sure so you scroll back to check it .
18.) And now you are smiling!!!!
I'm sure you did steps 16 to 18
Saying grace
At the table, the father turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother told the girl.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite all these people to dinner?"
Sex on the Back Seat
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Polish sausage
A blonde goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at the blonde and asks, "Are you Polish?"
The blonde, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for Westphalian ham, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well . . . no."
"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the blonde asks, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
How the Corporate World Works
I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".
The Dark Cupboard
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "250 pounds"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "750 pounds"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "To a friend of mine for a 1,000 pounds."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my f...... cupboard now"!
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Penguins Go to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Pinocchio and Splinters
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later, "How is the problem work out with your girlfriend?"
Said Pinnochio, "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
Fifty-five!
About five or ten minutes later, they both stood up again, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" Again the bartender just decided to ignore them.
Ten minutes later they followed the same routine. By now the bartender was getting pretty annoyed, so he went over and asked, "Why do you guys keep standing up and yelling fifty-five?"
One of them said, "Well, today after work we decided to work on a puzzle. On the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years, but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"
Bush & Queen
On a trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with the Queen. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," replied the Queen, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?"
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."
President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!" So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"
Wacky answering-machine messages
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name
and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning
your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank,
you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me
money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a
"sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call
you back.
Payment method
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it
cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out
teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Elevator conversation
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... 'Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'"
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... 'Double Income, No Kids Yet.'"
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...'Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... 'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'"
They turn to the woman and ask her. "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.'"
12 Reasons To Laugh
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
* How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn.. that was fun!"
* Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
* Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"
* Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Young woman
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Primitive Tribe
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby".
Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer- ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
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STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!!