Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon. Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation."
He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant."
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again."
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Married and no kids
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic. "We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
Love scene
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"
"Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that?"
"Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that?"
Red Mini Metro
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the
shopping.
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
shopping.
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Goldfish died
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced kid was up to, he asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died, and I've just buried him," replied Nancy, tearfully, without looking up.
The neighbor was very concerned, said "That's an awfully big grave for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat."
"My goldfish died, and I've just buried him," replied Nancy, tearfully, without looking up.
The neighbor was very concerned, said "That's an awfully big grave for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat."
Confession
Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site.
When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.
The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.
When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.
Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.
After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.
At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before.
Off he goes for a night on the town.
Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.
Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.
After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.
"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fu*kin' in Philadelphia."
When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.
The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.
When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.
Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.
After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.
At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before.
Off he goes for a night on the town.
Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.
Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.
After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.
"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fu*kin' in Philadelphia."
Naughty girl
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When Saturday arrived, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic after all, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"Why, what's the matter, honey? I thought you'd be happy to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl replies sarcastically, "I've already prayed for rain!"
When Saturday arrived, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic after all, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"Why, what's the matter, honey? I thought you'd be happy to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl replies sarcastically, "I've already prayed for rain!"
Old coots
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"
"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten minute nap. And then I put it to her
again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."
"I gotta try it," said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked.
"I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"
"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten minute nap. And then I put it to her
again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."
"I gotta try it," said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked.
"I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
Love, Juice?
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After a lot of nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
After a lot of nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
Released from the Army
Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.
The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm..I wonder.. if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?"
The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well" said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from nowhere."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?"
"Well", said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head."
The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade?" said one soldier.
"Me too." said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so funny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."
The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm..I wonder.. if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?"
The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well" said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from nowhere."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?"
"Well", said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head."
The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade?" said one soldier.
"Me too." said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so funny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."
Food for thought
Q: Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A: They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
A: They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Avon Lady
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.
He began to sniff...
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
He began to sniff...
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
Buyer
A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three months. Every few weeks he'd send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come home. Still buying."
The wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something.
She sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
The wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something.
She sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
King Arthur
In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the
Holy Grail.
He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?"
King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!"
So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armorer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail, what can you offer me?"
The Armorer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanized iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres
Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?"
The armorer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you."
So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armorer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered.
The only problem was that Sir Notalot clanked at every step. Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way.
He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow"
Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer.
The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or..."
Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent Saint Bernard dog which has recently been repossessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?"
Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King, dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along, draggity, clank, draggity, clank.
He reached the King, who said, "Just in time, the others have gone that way," pointing to the East.
So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet. at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was so heavy that the road started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.
Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper, have you a room?"
And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers"
In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said, ... "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.?
Holy Grail.
He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?"
King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!"
So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armorer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail, what can you offer me?"
The Armorer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanized iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres
Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?"
The armorer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you."
So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armorer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered.
The only problem was that Sir Notalot clanked at every step. Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way.
He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow"
Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer.
The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or..."
Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent Saint Bernard dog which has recently been repossessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?"
Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King, dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along, draggity, clank, draggity, clank.
He reached the King, who said, "Just in time, the others have gone that way," pointing to the East.
So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet. at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was so heavy that the road started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.
Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper, have you a room?"
And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers"
In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said, ... "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.?
Nun
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink. if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken lush Nun again is it?"
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink. if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken lush Nun again is it?"
Home depot scam
Watch out when you go to Home Depot.
Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree and they get in the backseat.On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.
Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. And this month - three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each!
Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to Lowes. You agree and they get in the backseat.On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.
Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. And this month - three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each!
Perfume
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
Toy six shooters
Little David was the recipient of a holster and a pair of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off his new toys, in full cowboy regalia.
He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked him "What flavor?"
Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, "Do you want whipped cream on it?"
Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, "Do you want a cherry on it?"
Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?"
Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?"
He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked him "What flavor?"
Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, "Do you want whipped cream on it?"
Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, "Do you want a cherry on it?"
Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?"
Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?"
Nuns at baseball game
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah; there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana; there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho; there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell? There aren't any nuns living there".
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana; there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho; there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell? There aren't any nuns living there".
Two guys in a bar
One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"
"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying
through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room an reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my fucking house."
"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying
through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room an reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my fucking house."
Philosophy Exam
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
Home health agency
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas.
A gas station was just a block away so she walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned was loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
A gas station was just a block away so she walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned was loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Not kosher
A Jewish man was in a supermarket in Thornhill, Ontario. He saw a black woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked off the shelf.
"Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!"
Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate. "Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?"
"No."
"So, why did you say that?"
"Why? I'll tell you why. ' Cuz I see all them Jewish mothers saying that to their kids -- and it works, so I decided to try it."
"Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!"
Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate. "Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?"
"No."
"So, why did you say that?"
"Why? I'll tell you why. ' Cuz I see all them Jewish mothers saying that to their kids -- and it works, so I decided to try it."
Tranquilizers
The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
She replied, "Who cares ..."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
She replied, "Who cares ..."
How true
There was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.
The Cop and The Drunk!
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.
The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," ... the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man .. "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out ...
"I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too ! ! ! "
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.
The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," ... the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man .. "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out ...
"I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too ! ! ! "
Triplets
Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
Food for thought
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up and no place to go.
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up and no place to go.
When you just have to trust the pilot!
Macao International airport - If it skids, you better know how to swim!
Escaped convict
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
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