A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As the bartender serves him, the man looks down and sees a chimpanzee sitting on a bar stool at the end of the bar. So he says to the bartender. "Hey man, what's with the chimp?"
The bartender laughs and says.."Watch this!" The bartender walks over to the chimp, turns it around on the barstool and punches the chimp right in the mouth, knocking it off the barstool. The chimp gets up off the floor, pulls down the bartender's zipper and gives the bartender a blowjob.
The customer says. "Wow!! Can I try that?"
"Sure thing says the bartender.
"Great,", says the customer. "But don't hit me as hard as you hit the chimp."
Buying Monkeys
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Letter from Her Majesty to the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the aquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the aquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Grandma
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
Flowers for wife
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
Divisions of Iraq
After the war in Iraq, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ...
regular, premium, and unleaded.
regular, premium, and unleaded.
Software condoms
When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively.
A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.
Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.
Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.
Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.
Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
Advice For Northerners Moving South
* If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
* Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
* Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
* Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
* Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
* Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
* If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
* Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
* In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
* Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
* Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
* Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
* Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
* Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
* If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
* Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
* In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
Gynecologist
In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my friend, a gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
Redneck fishing
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Columbia, Tennessee, recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' Duck river known for its great fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chest and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck....
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chest and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck....
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
Engineering position
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, each man had missed only one question out of ten.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For question # 4 the Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For question # 4 the Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.
"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab, and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.
"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab, and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Russian Roulette
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual .... CLICK....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!!"
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual .... CLICK....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!!"
Correct spelling
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
School answering machine
This is really hilarious! No wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message is as follows:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, class work, homework and that it is not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message is as follows:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, class work, homework and that it is not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
Journalism student
A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
Visit to the doctor
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
How old
A woman's 40th birthday approached, and her husband, who was a year younger, was doing his best to rub it in. Trying to figure out what all the teasing was about, their young daughter asked her mother, "How old is Daddy?"
"Thirty-nine," Mom told her.
"And how old will you be?" she asked.
"Forty," said Mom, sadly.
"Don't be sad Mommy," exclaimed the little girl, "you're winning!"
"Thirty-nine," Mom told her.
"And how old will you be?" she asked.
"Forty," said Mom, sadly.
"Don't be sad Mommy," exclaimed the little girl, "you're winning!"
Busy schedules
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Moses
Moses dies and goes to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.
"I could eat," Moses replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, chopped chicken liver, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.
"I could eat," Moses replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, chopped chicken liver, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
Visit
Moishe and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Moishe invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
"Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Lord of the manor
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking !"
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking !"
9 words women use
All you guys reading this - learn these by heart, they'll save your ass a million times!
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. In this case, DO NOT say "you're welcome" that will bring on a
"whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. In this case, DO NOT say "you're welcome" that will bring on a
"whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Blonde sisters
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
Prestige car sales room
A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.
"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.
120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.
The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.
120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.
The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
Farmer & his 3 sons
A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.
Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.
Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
Date
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
Exploring the jungle
A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."
Food for thought
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!
Yard Sale
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
Dog names
Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'
Old Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to he old rooster and says,
'OK, old fart, time for you to retire!' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DARN IT- that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance
'OK, old fart, time for you to retire!' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DARN IT- that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance
New airline rules
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, Sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the Airline's new Policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, Do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be Swell, Thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No Way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why Not? Is he going to 'Shoot me'?
Attendant: No, But there's a $50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The Airline is charging me for Cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this ?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the Airline's new Policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, Do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be Swell, Thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No Way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why Not? Is he going to 'Shoot me'?
Attendant: No, But there's a $50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The Airline is charging me for Cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this ?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Marc Faber on US Economy
Dr.Marc Faber is a well known investment analyst and entrepreneur. Faber is a regular speaker on the investment circuit, often in the financial press for his non-conformist viewpoint. Dr.Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following: "The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part."
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part."
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