Drunk on bus

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. "Mister," she said indignantly. "I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!"

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. "Christ, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Drunk

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Pig feed

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Tune for a drink

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of whisky and a beer chaser, the bartender asks to see his money at which time the man tells him that he hasn't got any but if he gives him the drinks he will fill his bar for him.

The barkeep asks how the hell he will accomplish this, to which the man replies that he can play Beethoven's 3rd out of his ass. The bartender says bullshit, no one can do that so the man gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and does a perfect rendition of the tune. The bartender throws down the drinks and says that he has a deal (with dollar signs in his eyes)

That night word has gotten out and the bar is filled to the top. The big moment comes and the man gets up on the bar, drops his drawers and craps all over everyone in the first 2 rows.

The bartender yells "you bastard, I'm ruined!!! I'll never get another person in my bar!!!!" to which the man replies "I don't know what you are so upset about, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings!!!"

Ole & Sven go fishing

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya shure, I tink I haff a lighter" he replied and reached in to his tackle box and pulled out a 12 - inch BIC lighter.

"yiminy Cricket"! exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell" replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie".

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box" said Ole.

"Could I see Him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says "Hey dare! I'm a good friend of your master, Vill you grant me vun vish?

"Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!!"

Oles answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12- inch BIC?"

Fishing for wishes

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.

Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew.

Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat"

Customs officer

A suspected foreign man arrives at Kennedy airport and is going through customs. He becomes extremely irate when the customs inspector insists on searching his bags. He screams at the inspector, "New York is the asshole of the world!"

"And I take it," replies the inspector, "That you are just passing through."

Bar insult

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar"

Three boys and old lady

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman's expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, "Did your folks ever get married?"

"Nope," replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. "How about yours?" "They never bothered," answered the first young man.

"That's nothing," interrupted the third, "my mother doesn't even know who my father is."

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. "Excuse me, but would one of you little bastards please pass the sugar?

Moose hunting

Two hunters go moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume and begin to give the moose love-call. Before long, their call is answered as a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull is close enough, the guy in front says, 'OK, let's get out and get him.'

After a moment that seems like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, 'The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?

The guy in the front says, 'Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.'

New York

The Governor Elect of New York is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor, and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what's natural.

2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.

4. The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor next spends $150,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of New York: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: The Nature of Coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the state.

Arizona

The Governor of Arizona is jogging, with her dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.

2. Arizona buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why New York is broke!!!

11th child

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia.)

Date

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Joe Smith

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"

The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."

He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"

The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed In 1369."

The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" 

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."

Horse farm

A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.

"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".

The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.

So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"

The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"

So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

First date

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "This tastes like piss!", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.

"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

Drunk

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Spelling mistake

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...

"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her...!"

Hunter

Three less than intelligent men, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he's gonna die."

"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."

"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."

Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."

Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."

"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."

"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"

"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."

"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."

"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."

"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."

Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"

The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."

Convicts

Three international convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."