Porche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money"

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better. The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Bronze rat

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"  "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."  As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street.  This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing.  He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the Story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a statue of an Indian politician in bronze!!

Talking frog

A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in concentration pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into the cup for an eagle.

"Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.

"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog. "You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!"

So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line." The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the frog won $100,000.

Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me." When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 years old.

"And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room."

Sneezing in the plane

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Milkman

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women in his street apart from one.

When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife. She said "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23"

Man in bar

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck.

Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says "Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive … in fact; he's ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?"

"Well," said the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows"

Dark in here

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was away at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says: "Dark in here."

The Man says: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it! because you are in his house now"

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$1,000."

A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have soccer boots."

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"

The Boy says :"$5,000."

The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."

The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."

The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins"

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here."

The Priest says: "Don't start that again!..........THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR DAD's HOUSE ! "

Robbery report

A home owner files a robbery report at the police station and declares that the house has been burglarized by gays.

The policeman asks; "how do you know?"

When I came home, I discovered that my jewelry was missing and all my furniture had been tastefully rearranged. He replied.

Green garden-grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes

A couple in Rockwall, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he'd had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital at Garland. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it would need stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. 

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area of south Rockwall along Texas State Route 205.

Time passed .......... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world .....

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

Drunk

A drunk had passed out in an alley way and along came a queer. The queer looked about and, not seeing anyone, pulled down the drunk's pants and screwed him in the ass. When he finished he placed a $20.00 in the drunk's pocket.

The next morning the drunk was searching his pockets for a cigarette when he discovered the $20.00 bill. He immediately dashed to the corner liquor store and asked for $20.00 worth of the cheapest wine in the house. He received 4 bottles of wine and proceeded to drink every drop. He passed out in the same alley way and along came the same queer.

Not seeing anyone about, he remembered how good it was the night before so he pulled down the drunk's pants and screwed him in the ass, again. Again he tucked a $20.00 in the drunk's pocket. In the morning the drunk found the $20.00 and headed for the same liquor store. Again he asked for $20.00 worth of the cheapest wine in the house. Again he received 4 bottles. Again he drank every drop. Again he passed out in the same alleyway. Along came this same queer, only this time he had a friend with him.

After removing the ole boy's trousers they both screwed him in the ass. When they finished they both placed a $20.00 bill in his pocket. The next morning the drunk found the $40.00 and high tailed it to the same liquor store. Upon entering the clerk said, "I know! You want $20.00 worth of the cheapest wine I've got in the house."

"Nope!" the wino said. "I want $40.00 worth of the best wine you've got in the house. That cheap stuff makes my asshole sore!

Beer research

An alarming revelation!  Beer contains  female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! * * * * Last month,  Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis  that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a  concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains  female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough  beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8  schooners of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that  100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: * * 1) Argued over  nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained  weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly  emotional at the drop of hat. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally, and 8) Had  to sit down while urinating. * * * No further testing was considered  necessary!

Lucky draw in a bar

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers are being called over the PA system. Curiously, the guy asks the bartender "What's going on".

The bartender breaks it down saying "it's simple, you order a drink you get a number. If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!"

The guy says "I don't believe it sounds like bullshit to me"

Some drunk guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, My wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes"

Viper

As a man was working in his office one day, he received a phone call. "Hello," he said. At the other end of the line, a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper, I am coming in a week." Then the caller hung up.

The man thought someone was pulling a practical joke, so he didn't think much about it until a few days later, when he got another phone call. After he said "Hello," a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming in three days." Then the caller hung up again.

The man was starting to get a bit worried but he still thought someone was trying to scare him. Then he received another phone call. This time, the voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming tomorrow." Once again, the caller hung up.

Now the man was sure that someone was out to get him. The next day when he went to work, he brought along his rifle, just in case. That afternoon, a stranger wearing white overalls and carrying a pail of water came into the man's office. "Who are you?" the man asked. The stranger replied, "I am the viper. I have come to vipe your vindows."

Genie

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink.

After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy's head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small.

The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her.

She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.

Dave

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord…"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"

"It's my four year old son…" Dave replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that" continued Dave "but it's far worse than that. He got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord

"It's not...." he said, " the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms"

Immigrants

Two migrants arrive in the USA by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.'

'Odd,' the other one replies, 'but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.'

Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it.'Two dogs, please,' says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too please to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get?'

Sandal

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

Avon lady

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

Golf

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted.

After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!

The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The CEO turns to him and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"