Hair remover

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some 'Nair' hair remover and rubbing it in the dog's ears every three months.

On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy 'Nair.' At the register, the pharmacist says, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.' The woman says: "I'm not using it under my arms.'

Again the pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.' The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.'

The helpful pharmacist says: In that case, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.

Tranquilizers

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

She replied, "Who cares ..."

Bacon and eggs

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!

The Mental Health Hot Line

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn`t matter which number you press since no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother`s maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Alzheimer's Disease, carefully dial your anniversary date followed by the birth date of each of your children.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Q & A on Health

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow.......?

Q : I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain ? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up !

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program ?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain ... good!

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you ?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q : Is chocolate bad for me ?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable !!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q : Is swimming good for your figure ?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what a ride!"

Computer diagnosis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says
to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I
better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend
that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner
drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and
the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer
could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to
rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better

Health foods

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.As they "oohed" and "aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it,and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

 

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Twisted Sayings

These are absolutely hilarious!!!!

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Eschew obfuscation

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

So here's our first joke to help life suck a little less:

These are actual entries made in hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

And one of my friends remarked that she remembers going to Nursing school with a few of these folks!