Dentist

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Checkup

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

The best patients

While having lunch five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Country doctor

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again" the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Proctologist

A proctologist goes to his bank to make a deposit.

He reaches in his pocket for a pen to endorse his check, and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

The proctologist says, "Damn, some asshole's got my pen."

Sick veterinarian

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc.

She interrupts him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions; I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Heart operation

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eighth hour's sleep a night.

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited".

Sting

"Now, Mrs. Hansen, this may sting just a little," the doctor said, as he prepared the syringe of antibiotic and stepped forward to administer it. The patient suddenly SCREAMED in agonizing pain and crumpled to the floor!

The doctor picked her up and stated, "Mrs. Hansen, this is ridiculous. I haven't even injected the needle yet!"

"No, you haven't" cried Mrs. Hansen. "But you DID step on my ingrown toenail!"

Having a baby

A man goes to a surgeon and convinces him that he wants to have the experience of having a baby.
 "Impossible," says the surgeon.
"But I need that experience," insists the man.
Eventually the surgeon agrees, and tells the man to come back next day for the operation.
Next day he is put out and operated on. When he comes around he asks the surgeon if the operation was successful.
"Yes, perfect."
"When will I have the experience of having a baby?" asks the man.
"Just as soon as you have drunk this pint of olive oil," says the surgeon.
"How's that going to give me the experience?"
"Because I have sewn up your ass."

American tourist

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'. The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?' What, cut you dick off!!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies. 'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by
itself!'

Overweight

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.

"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then she takes a close look and says, 'No Sir they aren't, and I assure you there's nothing wrong with them!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Medical convention

At a recent medical convention, Doctors registered opinions about the current financial disaster, specifically in regard to the Government "Bail Out Package".Opinions were as follows:

Allergists voted to scratch it, whereas

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve!

Obstetricians said we were laboring under a misconception, but Ophthalmologists flat out vetoed the bill as being short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' and

Pediatricians rallied to chant, 'Oh, Grow up!'

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons agreed to cut it up and wash their hands of it, yet Internists thought it was a bitter pill we have to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on things.'

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists said the it would not hold water.

Anesthesiologists noted that the whole idea was a gas, but Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Final opinion was voiced by a coalition of Proctologists sho advised everyone to leave the financial fiasco with the a**holes in Washington who caused it?

Doctor

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the towns people.

So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."

Hospitalized

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.

The doctors said it was touch and go.

Vaginal examination

An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office. The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."

She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"

Boy, howdy, did he get mad!

"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here - you or me?"

Psychology instructor

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

Rectal exam

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says, "Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for but what's the beer doing there?"

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. "Nurse", he screams. "I said a butt light."

New disease

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolation Neutralizing Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Remedy (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends (or even if you can't think of 5), you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...

Faith healer

A patient tells the doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but I wasn't getting any better."

The doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?"

"He told me to come see you," replied the new patient.