Hotel guest

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. "What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?" he claimed.

"What's the problem, sir? The confused desk clerk asked. "I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun" blustered the irate guest. "He told me to get on my keens and give him a blow job or he'd blast my brains all over the room."

"Oh my," gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. "What did you do?"

The guest screamed "Well, you didn't hear any shots, did you?"

At the store

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.  "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Trucker

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it". He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
 

Tune for a drink

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of whisky and a beer chaser, the bartender asks to see his money at which time the man tells him that he hasn't got any but if he gives him the drinks he will fill his bar for him.

The barkeep asks how the hell he will accomplish this, to which the man replies that he can play Beethoven's 3rd out of his ass. The bartender says bullshit, no one can do that so the man gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and does a perfect rendition of the tune. The bartender throws down the drinks and says that he has a deal (with dollar signs in his eyes)

That night word has gotten out and the bar is filled to the top. The big moment comes and the man gets up on the bar, drops his drawers and craps all over everyone in the first 2 rows.

The bartender yells "you bastard, I'm ruined!!! I'll never get another person in my bar!!!!" to which the man replies "I don't know what you are so upset about, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings!!!"

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and  explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights,  and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local  culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London  Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you  know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes, Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."  The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect  bloom.Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is  greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Milk delivery

Mrs. O'Reilly regularly has the milkman drop off 3 quarts of milk for the week. One morning the milkman arrives at Mrs. O'Reilly's and she insists that he leaves 25 gallons of milk. When asked what all that milk was needed for, Mrs. O'Reilly stated that she had just won the lottery and she was treating herself to a milk bath. The milk would surely make her skin soft and supple.

The milkman agreed and asked her if she would like the milk "pasteurized?"

"Oh no, dear, Up to my titties would be just fine."

Elder Banking

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

This was published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client