INSTALLING HUSBAND.....

 A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems but it just doesn't seem to work.

What can I do?

Signed,........................




Reply...

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Beer 6.1..

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

To summarize - 1.0 is a great program. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put the cat on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

 'There are three colors', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'

At the store

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.  "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Blind man

This blind man was feeling his way down the street with his cane, he passes by a fish market and stops. He takes a deep breath and announces, "Good Morning Ladies."

Birthday surprise

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember"

The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

Genie

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it. Genie comes out as usual. Woman looks at Genie and asks him to grant her a wish:

I want my husband to have eyes only for me
I want to be the only one in his life
I want him to sleep always by my side
I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me wherever he goes.

Genie turned her into a BlackBerry!

Proof that men make better friends

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a "friend's" house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it...!!

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a Friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that had slept over, and two said he was still there.....!

David's marriage

In the week before his marriage David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he'd ever dated. At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken. David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats.

On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he'd tell her about his ravaged organ.The woman spread her legs. "Look, honey," she said. "Never been touched by a man."

David undid his pajama pants. "Look, honey," he said. "Still in its original crate!"

Farmer

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer.

"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?"

"Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

Harvard Vs Yale

At a Harvard-Yale football game a man from Harvard and a man from Yale end up at the urinal together. When the two men finished the man from Harvard headed for the sink while the man from Yale headed for the door.

The man from Harvard says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee."

The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands"

Brain cell

A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man's head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, "Is anyone here?" With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, "Can anyone hear me?" Still there was no response.

By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, "IS THERE ANYONE HERE!"

From far away she heard a little voice reply, "Hello, were all down here…

Out of towner

Tired by his life's hectic pace, the swinger determines to take a leisurely drive across the country. At first the pastoral sights pleased him, but by the time he got to Kansas, he was dying for some action.

Pulling into the only gas station in a small town one Saturday evening, he asked the attendant, "Is there any nightlife in this town?"

"Not anymore," the station owner replied. "She moved to Chicago"

Jon and the bear

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Husbands, So Logical

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one 
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
 
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
 
He replied, "They had eggs."

Beautiful woman

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,  he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myth! It's all about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the most incredible long lasting stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you, since I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said,  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Saint Bernard

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back. "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Trip

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"

Older man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

Joe Smith

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"

The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."

He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"

The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed In 1369."

The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" 

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."