A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
Food for thought
Ponder This: A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station .........
Quit drinking
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and affecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just that when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just that when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
Jewish Mother
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son.
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
Potential Problems and Military Strategy
At the Russian Military Academy, a top General gave a lecture on 'Potential Problems and Military Strategy'. At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions.
An officer stood up and asked: 'Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?' The General answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked: 'Who will be the enemy?
The General: 'All indications point to China.' All the audience is shocked.
The officer asks: 'General, we are only 150 million; there are 5 Billion Chinese. Can we win at all?'
The General: 'Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.'
After a small pause the smartest officer asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?'
An officer stood up and asked: 'Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?' The General answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked: 'Who will be the enemy?
The General: 'All indications point to China.' All the audience is shocked.
The officer asks: 'General, we are only 150 million; there are 5 Billion Chinese. Can we win at all?'
The General: 'Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.'
After a small pause the smartest officer asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?'
One-liner
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f*ck was THAT?!"
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f*ck was THAT?!"
Blonde watching the news
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says that 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible'.
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved'.
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved'.
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?
Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Texan?
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the .45 have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's answer:
BANG!
Texan's answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the .45 have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's answer:
BANG!
Texan's answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'
$100 for the night
A guy walks into a bar in Sydney and says to the barmaid, I'll have a beer and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me.
She thinks about it and he's an ok looking bloke, so when she finishes her shift they go back to his hotel.
Next night the same guy goes to the bar and says to her, "I'll have a beer and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me."
Again she agrees and spends the night with him.
Third night in a row he walks in and orders a beer and says he'll give her $100 to spend the night with him, so off she goes.
Now on the forth night, he comes into the bar and says he'll have a beer and that's all.
The barmaid is a bit shocked and has enjoyed her self the last three nights, so she asks why he doesn't offer her the $100.
"I haven't got any money left" he replies. "Well, you're a quite a nice guy, and you're from out of town, where are you from?" she asks.
"I'm from Cobar, west New South Wales".
"OH!" she exclaims, "I've got a brother who lives in Cobar, do you know him?"
"Yeah, I do, and he gave me $300 to give to you!"
She thinks about it and he's an ok looking bloke, so when she finishes her shift they go back to his hotel.
Next night the same guy goes to the bar and says to her, "I'll have a beer and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me."
Again she agrees and spends the night with him.
Third night in a row he walks in and orders a beer and says he'll give her $100 to spend the night with him, so off she goes.
Now on the forth night, he comes into the bar and says he'll have a beer and that's all.
The barmaid is a bit shocked and has enjoyed her self the last three nights, so she asks why he doesn't offer her the $100.
"I haven't got any money left" he replies. "Well, you're a quite a nice guy, and you're from out of town, where are you from?" she asks.
"I'm from Cobar, west New South Wales".
"OH!" she exclaims, "I've got a brother who lives in Cobar, do you know him?"
"Yeah, I do, and he gave me $300 to give to you!"
Next question please
Q: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and, perhaps, try using lubrication.
A: Slow down and, perhaps, try using lubrication.
Huge hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at thetable, eating. Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, andgot that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting forme??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at thetable, eating. Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, andgot that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting forme??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
You may be a Taliban if..
Troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following "YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Married business executive
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"
Good advice
"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
It's in the Bible
An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."
Crowd Control
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
Typical marketing idea
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play.
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin:
"Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape.
He puts it in the machine and hits play.
This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says:
"Wilsons Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.
A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says:
"If only we had used Wilson Nails!"
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play.
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin:
"Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape.
He puts it in the machine and hits play.
This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says:
"Wilsons Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.
A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says:
"If only we had used Wilson Nails!"
Cigar
A man came home early one day and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. He becomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?"
A voice from under the bed says,"Havana!"
A voice from under the bed says,"Havana!"
Hospitalized
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
Next question please
Q: Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
A: It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.
A: It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.
Guess who
A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime.
Instead of making an official landing requests to the tower, he said: ...."Guess who?"
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: ....."Guess where!"
Instead of making an official landing requests to the tower, he said: ...."Guess who?"
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: ....."Guess where!"
Next question please
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride
Next question please
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.
A: She has a headache with the postman.
Bragging
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Politicians
Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".
The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred peoplevery happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".
The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred peoplevery happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Proper Job Placement
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
Teacher
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
The Volunteers
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
Yellow 24
A man goes to the doctor feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
Yankees Fan
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, pray tell why you are a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, pray tell why you are a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
See me across the street
A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street."
The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"
The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"
Shave beard
A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"
Trucker
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is . . . an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is . . . an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
Next question please
Q: Why are men like dolphins?
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later on this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Watch for these consolidations later on this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
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