Irishman

An Irishman was in the South of France, and could not understand why his friend Pierre had attracted all the girls at the beach while he had pulled nothing.

So he asked Pierre, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

Pierre said, "It's because I wear a Speedo bathing suit. The women, they love to see a man in a Speedo."

So the Irishman buys a Speedo and tosses his baggy shorts in the garbage. He struts up and down the beach but still he has no luck attracting any women.

He finds Pierre again and asks for his advice.

Pierre, taking a look at Paddy in his Speedo says, "Take a potato, tuck it in your Speedo, it drives the women wild."

So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his Speedo and paraded up and the beach once again.

Many hours later, still no woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried the Speedo bathing suit, I've tried the potato but it doesn't work".

Pierre looked at the Irishman and said "You might want to try putting the potato in the front"

Do you want to go to heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride. The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"

Paddy and Paddy

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Paddy, went out one day and each brought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!! HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's abouts you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"

Toothache

Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.

"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.

"No!" replied Paddy.

So a second shot was brought, then a third.

"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.

"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"

Confession

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site.

When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town.

Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fu*kin' in Philadelphia."

Shamus and Murphy

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! "

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Pedestrians

Paddy was in New York and patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians," for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

The Irish Pub

Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put the three pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down; then took a little sip out of the second, put it down; and then took a little sip out of the third. He put it down, went back to the first pint, and started the process all over again, until he had drunk all three pints. Then he paid the bartender and left.

This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat.

"Patrick", he says.
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs; but, if you wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"

"Well, you know me brothers Michael and John moved to New York".
"Aye".
"Well, I promised me brothers that I would have a pint every night in our favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the time when we were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"
"Aye".

This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it
anymore, so they ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.

So, the bartender approaches Pat and asks, "Patrick?"
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".
"WHAT, What tragedy??"
"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".
"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think something happened to one of me brothers??"

"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something happened to one of your brothers."

"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that the doctor said I had to take better care of myself, so I decided to quit drinking."

Pigs in Ireland

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!."

"Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and
only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"