How alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the  occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that drunkard nun out there again!"

Pastor at the door

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Dog in temple

A Jewish man walks into Temple one Saturday walking his dog on a leash. The rabbi comes over and says, "Bernie, what are you doing bringing a dog to Temple? This is no place for an animal!" 
"He wants to pray" the man replies. "But Bernie, you can't be bringing a dog to Temple. It just isn't done." "But I'm telling you, he wants to pray" the man insists.
Folding his arms, the Rabbi says, "OK, he wants to pray, let's see him pray." So the man wraps a prayer shawl around the dog's shoulders, puts a yarmulke on his head, and opens the Torah. The dog then puts his paw on the page and starts reading perfect Hebrew.
The astonished Rabbi says, "Why Bernie, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Have you ever considered enrolling him in Rabbinical School?"
Rolling his eyes heavenward, the man answers, "YOU talk to him. He wants to be a doctor!

Lost rooster

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted

Pope

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

Drunk

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"

Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick", shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do"?

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination". says Sister Helen .

Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what"? shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts..... "GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!!!!!!!"

Confession

There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good all of the time, so they went to the priest and asked if they could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him what they did.

The first nun comes back, and the priest asked, "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I spiked the fruit punch at the bingo ."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.

"And what did you do wrong, Sister?" he asks again.

"I mooned a monk, and nearly gave him a heart attack."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I peed in the holy water."

Hawaii vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"garb They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied.

Rabbi & Priest

One day, the rabbi asked the priest if he could sit in on a confession session since he had always been curious about what went on. The priest agreed and that afternoon of them the two of them were sitting in a confession booth. A woman came in and said, "I have sinned. I have committed adultery three times this past week."

The priest said, "Put twenty dollars in the poor box and your sins will be forgiven."

Just then the priest's secretary came and asked the priest if he could take a long distance phone call.

The priest said to the rabbi, "You carry on. You know how it goes."

The next woman said, "Father I have sinned. I have committed adultery twice this past week."

The rabbi said, "Go and commit adultery once more. We have a special on this week -- three for twenty dollars."

Rabbi

A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him. The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

New priest

The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents. Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e. the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."

It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.

Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Priest

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when the wicked witch of the forest confronted me. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep, Iwould wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....... "

Pastor

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"

Main Course

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.

"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

Parish Priest

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office.

This is how their conversation went:

"Sister, I want to show you something."

"What is it, Father?

"Come into my private room & close the blinds."

"WHAT?!"

"I said....."

"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"

"Well, I really need you to come in."

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

"Here, sit on the bed beside me."

"I have to get out of here."

"Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

"Get under the covers."

"WHAT?????!!!!!"

The nun was really freaking out.

"It doesn't work otherwise!"

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: "Come closer."

Nervously, she does get closer.

"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"

Jewish congregation

A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

Job Prospects

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.

"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."

"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop...given luck and god's blessing."

"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"

"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."

"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"

The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."

"Splendid! And after Pope?"

The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become god."

"Why not? One of our boys made it."

Red Mini Metro

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the
shopping.

All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."

Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"

"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"