Little Johnny

Little Johnny is standing in the back yard with a hand full of M&M's and the cat by the tail in the other. His mom notices and watches him. He pops a couple M&M's, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple of steps.

Then he does it again pops a couple M&M's, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple steps.

Finally his mom comes out and says "Johnny what are you doing?" and he says, "I'm being a trucker mom. Popping some pills eaten some pussy and moving along."

Little Johnny strikes again

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"

Little Johnny and the priest

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" 

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. 

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" 

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. 

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" 

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Little Johnny

In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." T he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Little Johnny

In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.

It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Dark Secret

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

Teacher

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons!"

Clock

A young pretty female schoolteacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

Teacher

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

Love, Juice?

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".

After a lot of nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

Toy six shooters

Little David was the recipient of a holster and a pair of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off his new toys, in full cowboy regalia.

He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!"

The waitress asked him "What flavor?"

Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!"

The waitress asked, "Do you want whipped cream on it?"

Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!"

The waitress asked, "Do you want a cherry on it?"

Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!"

The waitress asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?"

Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?"

Side Pain

At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife."

Teacher

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons!"

New electric train

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue: "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

Little Johnny

Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.

"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO, but harassment yes!"

Why brides wear white

Young Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Mummy, why do brides dress in white?",

"Why, they dress that way to show that they are pure." she replies.

Johnny goes off and finds his father, "Dad, why do brides dress in white?",

"White?", he says, "all kitchen appliances come in white".

Catholic School

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said," Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..." What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

Can little girls have babies

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears and I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

Johnny's parents, who had braced themselves for Johnny's comment, were pleasantly surprised as was the baby's mother who said," Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet." Again Johnny's parents breathed a sigh of relief. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

"Well", little Johnny said, "It's a good thing, cause he'd be fu***ed if he needed to wear glasses!"