One fine day, two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the forest. All of a sudden, one Indian went up to the mouth of a cave and shouted a loud "Woo, Woo, Woo". There was an answering, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." The Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The hillbilly asked the other Indian, "Hey, what was that all about?"

The Indian answered, "It's mating season and it's our custom to mate in caves. The females stay in the caves, and when the males see a cave, they go to it and shout a Woo, Woo, and Woo. If there is an answer, then that means that there is a female ready to mate." "Oh okay," said the hillbilly, not really understanding the weird Indian customs. A few minutes later, the second Indian ran up to the mouth of a cave and shouted, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answer to his Woo's so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. Feeling alone, the Hillbilly kept walking through the forest. He came to a huge cave, and he thought to himself, 'Hey, that cave is so big, there must be some big, fine, women in there ready to mate.' So, he decided to go up to the mouth of the cave and shout, "Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answering, "Woo, Woo, Woo," so the hillbilly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next morning's paper headline was:"Naked Hillbilly Killed By Freight Train"

Not drinking

One day, two friends, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger: Bubba said, "Look up ahead Earl, It's a police roadblock! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,"Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir" said Earl "We're on the patch."

Rednecks

What is the difference between northern and southerner fairy tales?

Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time...." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."

Hillbilly Jokes

* How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

* Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky
"Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."

* Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

* What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.

* What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

* How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

* How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

* What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

* Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

* What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

Amazing 21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition. His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered, "Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass."

Redneck fishing

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Columbia, Tennessee, recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' Duck river known for its great fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chest and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck....

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

Engineering position

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, each man had missed only one question out of ten.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For question # 4 the Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"

Irish whiskey

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

The Top 14 Country & Western Horror Movies

14. Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart

13. Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo

12. Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer

11. The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon

10. Don't Tell Me You Love Me if You're Gnawing Off My Leg

9. Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin', Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin' Zombies

8. Jurassic Trailer Park

7. Something Twangy This Way Comes

6. Psychoklahoma

5. The Hounddog of the Baskervilles

4. All My Axes are in My Exes

3. Throw Momma from Shania Twain

2. The Expectorist

1. She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It

Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-Man elite fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given only the following facts about the terrorists:

1. The season opened today

2. There is no limit

3. They taste just like chicken

4. They don't like beer, pickups, or country music

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhart.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK

Redneck education

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain't’!"