Beans for lunch

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. 

    

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! 

 

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"...

After sex

A man and his foreign wife are having sex. When finished she stands up and lets out an extremely loud fart. Her husband says, "Honey, what in the world was that?"

His foreign wife replies, "Front side so happy, backside laughs out loud!"

New invention

The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. "It's an apple that tastes like pu**y."

Curious Mr. Johnson took a bite; he spat violently. "pu**y? This thing tastes like shit!

The pharmacist flushed and turned it around. "Sorry," he said, "You bit the wrong side."

Rednecks

What is the difference between northern and southerner fairy tales?

Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time...." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Arab diplomat

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods
(french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Pig farmer

A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed, with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and perform a pregnancy test on the
female pigs. Everyday, the results were negative. The farmer was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet replied, "Try artificial insemination."

"What's that?" the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs to mate, you'll have to do it for them."

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he shagged each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them really good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up. One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted, "Wife! The pigs are gone!"

His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking the horn."

Bus full of war veterans

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose and I can't get it off of my hand."

Process Improvement

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the waiter
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff
had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson
Consulting,experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other
utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour.

If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours
per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace It
with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was
rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to
look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter's fly (zip).

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before
he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why
you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that
we can save time in the restroom." "How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what
. . ., we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that
way eliminate the need to wash the > hands, shortening the time spent
in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how
do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even
further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Ice Fishing Secret

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there
for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out
onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy
dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth
Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
couldn't take it any longer.

"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've
been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do
you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"