A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
Depressed blonde
A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Flying saucer
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
Hunter
Three less than intelligent men, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he's gonna die."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."
Jewish man
An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
Convicts
Three international convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
Less calories
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully-prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
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