Not drinking

One day, two friends, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger: Bubba said, "Look up ahead Earl, It's a police roadblock! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,"Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir" said Earl "We're on the patch."

Wrong medicine

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He approaches the clerk and asks: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough. "And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative."

The horrified pharmacist shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds; "Of course you can! Look at him; he is afraid to cough!"

Old age

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the Restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the  car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card"

The best patients

While having lunch five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Hotel stay

A lady decided to treat herself on her birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high, "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them" she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have" the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have" she said

Navy discharge

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief !" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!”

Not a joke, but a comfort-read

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very, attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him.  What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.  Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.