A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"
He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
Real Car Mechanic
So this is how we're supposed to do it!!!
Did you notice the chair on which the car has been propped?
Next question please
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Tourists in Africa
Two tourists, strangers, were traveling in a tour bus in
"See," said the other, "It works!"
Food for thought
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
--------------- Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
---------- Expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian!
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
---------- But what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
---------- Now that's Attitude!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
---------- And is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affairs. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
---------- They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
---------- He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks
---------- But we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
9. All desirable things in life are either
---------- Illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
Trucker
This trucker named Danny had been driving his eighteen-wheeler for hours and he was hot and tired so he stopped at his favourite brothel he'd patronize for years.
Vickie answers the door and says "Hey there Danny. What can I do for you".
Danny replies, "You know I've been trading here for twenty years and this time I'd like something different."
"Well" says Vickie, "we got LYN, JEN and Wanda - she takes it up the 'attic'".
"Hell no, I want something different" says Dan.
Mabel says, "Oh, I'll send Hurricane Shirley. She's new. Now you go on to your room."
Danny goes to his room and gets all prepared. Soon this big Amazon of a gal comes in and she's puffing and a blowing. She straddles old Danny and starts swinging back and forth, her big boobs just knocking the hell outa his head.
Danny cried, "What in the hell's going on?"
"I'm Hurricane Shirley and that's the coconuts falling off the coconut trees".
Pretty soon she starts pissing all over him and says this is the monsoon rains that come with the hurricane.
Danny jumps off the bed and Hurricane Shirley says, "What's wrong honey, don't you like it?"
Danny said, "I'm leaving. Who in the hell could f**k in this kind of weather?!"
Mountain Woman
An
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened? asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
Golfer
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss greets him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"
Lawyer
A young lawyer, just out of law school, was pleading his first case in
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number that are in the jury box."
Crossing river
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." POOF! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man saw how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river."
And POOF! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
40th Wedding Anniversary
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Late for work
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Side Pain
At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife."
Hunter
A guy meets a hunter at the local pub. "So, what do you hunt?" he asks.
"Unicorns." the hunter answers.
The guy was startled, but regains his composure and says, "Really? How do you do that?"
"I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, I set off a snare."
"Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." says the guy.
"Yeah," replies the hunter. "And there ain't many unicorns around, either!"
Food for thought
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Teacher
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons!"
Card Playing Dog
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extra- ordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's really not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand,... he wags his tail."
Midlife
Mary: I wish I'd known more about midlife before I got here!
Jill: What do you mean?
Zoo
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze. The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path. A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
Graduation
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 1949."
Jehovah's Witness
A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, stating that he hadn't seen the accident.
Human race
A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear? The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race developed.
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys?
The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.
Minister
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches......and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Honeymoon
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.
Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
Knowledge of pigs
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots John, and count them yourself!"
How hard
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my d**k." he replies.
"Ok, then pour me some!"
Successful businessmen
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think its Veranda."
Columbia Yuppies
Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other. The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said, "Take it from me, Pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."
Guys
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Changing priorities with age
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
Chinese accent on phone
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about ?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Birthday wish
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Retirement
Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire.
After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied? "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys......... And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!"
After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied? "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys......... And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!"
First date
A long, long time ago, in a place far, far away, a lonely guy was on his first date with a girl.
Yessir,... it was his first date EVER, and he was very anxious. His id was in control, and his thoughts were dominated with hopes of carnal pleasures.
In his anticipation, he lost all control before they had even arrived at the restaurant. He told her, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you let me pull over and feel your breasts."
The young woman thought carefully about his offer. She considered his reputation, and she considered her attraction toward him. She even took out her purse and checked her finances, counting every penny.
And then she said:
"I'll give you $9.83 if you'll take me straight home and never tell anyone I went out with you!"
Golfer
A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
Italian restaurant
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your pasta quattro formaggi was superb!" the customer said. "I just spent a month in
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
Interpreting A Police Report
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner..
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...
(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses...
(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address, which I called the "Command Post."
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill".
Girl standing alone
A young teacher began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The teacher approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, the teacher noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, the teacher offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the teacher then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Scientists
German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.
American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 meters down & found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
2.
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself'.
Rectal exam
A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor comes in, the man says, "Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for but what's the beer doing there?"
The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. "Nurse", he screams. "I said a butt light."
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