1. One human cell contains 75 MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5 MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml of semen.
5. This means that the output of a man's member is
= (37.5 MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/ 5
= 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second
= 1,6875 terabyte/sec
This implies that the female egg cell withstands this DoS (Denial of Service) attack at 1.5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one (!) data package, thereby being the best freaking HADWARE FIREWALL in the world!
But still this very small data package that it lets through, HANGS THE SYSTEM FOR THE WHOLE OF NINE MONTHS
Showing posts with label tech. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tech. Show all posts
The Lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Software condoms
When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively.
A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.
Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.
Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.
Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.
Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
Scientists
German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.
American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 meters down & found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Incredible golf ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and
if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but the guy shows his friend all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
The Man and the Dog
There is an old story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
Microsoft Network
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
Helpdesk
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Helpdesk
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.......
Helpdesk
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .......
Top 15 Surprise Features of the iPhone
15 Comes with a default "One of us! One of us! One of us!" ringtone.
14 The middle row of the new keypad arrangement spells out "B I L G A T E S U X."
13 Won't work if it detects you wearing eyeglasses and a suit.
12 Dial #666 to change all the digital "paintings" in Bill Gates' mansion to anime porn.
11 The right key sequence turns it into a Jedi light sabre.
10 Purchasing the iJack add-on feature means you need not actually be in the same vicinity as your significant other ever again.
9 Just drop it in a glass of Jolt Cola to recharge it.
8 Includes video of a steel-cage match between the nerdy-cool "I'm a Mac" guy and the nerdy-cool "Can you hear me now" Verizon guy.
7 Comes with its own "Official Apple Beta-Tester Club" card and badge.
6 The new touch screen, combined with AT&T's wireless service, allows you to reach out and fondle someone.
5 Rounded edges and mirror smooth surface makes it easier to shove up the ass of a smug owner.
4 iVelcro features allows easy attaching to your Segway or Vespa.
3 It conveniently combines all your indispensable functions -- phone, camera, music player and PDA -- into a single overpriced, easily lost device.
2 It's name is an anagram of "hip one" -- how friggin' cool is THAT?!?
and the Number 1 Surprise Features of the iPhone...
1 Cranial-GPS feature comes in handy when you realize you've lost your mind and paid $600 for a freakin' phone!
Laws Newton missed
Laws Newton forgot to discover (say office laws)….
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an
engaged tone.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is directly
proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
____________________________________________________________________________________
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Arthiritis
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Top 20 Replies by Programmers to Testers when their programs don't work
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:
"It works just fine on my machine"
Calls to tech support
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland."
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
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