Little Johnny
Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
Las Vegas convention
Jill spotted John across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Jill asked John if he would like to join her for a drink.
"I don't know," said John. "I've got a wife and two kids at home."
To which Jill replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." John thought about it for a second and then agreed.
A few drinks later, Jill invited John up to her room for a nightcap. When John hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And John agreed.
After a few more drinks in Jill's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and Jill asked if John would be interested in a little party. John, bewildered, exclaimed, "If I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"
"I don't know," said John. "I've got a wife and two kids at home."
To which Jill replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." John thought about it for a second and then agreed.
A few drinks later, Jill invited John up to her room for a nightcap. When John hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And John agreed.
After a few more drinks in Jill's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and Jill asked if John would be interested in a little party. John, bewildered, exclaimed, "If I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"
Father and son hunting
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling scream. And ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat...I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked......."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling scream. And ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat...I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked......."
Blind man
A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Phone
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Judy has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Judy, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Threads
Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Jim beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Jim with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
Cowboy
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, "he says. "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
Sex in public
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
No underwear
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Old Jewish man
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
The Programmer and the Genie
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
Spanish fly
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hardhearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hardhearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
Catholic mothers
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!"
Gates of Heaven
Three women arrived simultaneously at the gates of Heaven and were greeted by St. Peter. There will be a place for each of you once you have confessed your sins," he assured them, turning gravely to the 1st woman.
"I married one man, but I loved another," she admitted, blushing, "so I divorced my husband, and married the man I loved."
"Show her to the silver gates," St. Peter instructed a minion, and turned to the 2nd woman.
I loved one man, married him, and lived happily ever after," went her story. St. Peter directed her to be shown thru the golden gates, and turned toward the 3rd woman.
"I was a dancer in a cabaret," she confessed with a becoming blush, "and I pleased every man who came to see me, pleased them WELL for the right price."
"Show her to my room," said St. Peter.
"I married one man, but I loved another," she admitted, blushing, "so I divorced my husband, and married the man I loved."
"Show her to the silver gates," St. Peter instructed a minion, and turned to the 2nd woman.
I loved one man, married him, and lived happily ever after," went her story. St. Peter directed her to be shown thru the golden gates, and turned toward the 3rd woman.
"I was a dancer in a cabaret," she confessed with a becoming blush, "and I pleased every man who came to see me, pleased them WELL for the right price."
"Show her to my room," said St. Peter.
Next question please
Q: What To Do With 1000 Bras
A: Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with their feminine side.
A: Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with their feminine side.
Cooking breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Sea Mammal
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor! "That would be 'defeeting the porpoise.'"
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor! "That would be 'defeeting the porpoise.'"
Refrigerator repair service
Blonde calling refrigerator repair service: "My refrigerator isn't working!"
"What kind is it?"
"It's a small one."
"Electric, gas or propane?"
"Propane."
"Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well"
Second call, a few minutes later: "The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!"
"What kind is it?"
"It's a small one."
"Electric, gas or propane?"
"Propane."
"Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well"
Second call, a few minutes later: "The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!"
Important meeting
Keoki was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and poke".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Keoki looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Keoki looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Castrated
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement?
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it`s done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"
The Lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
What is confidence
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!!!
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software thats developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!!!
Recession Update
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the 25 thieves. "15 were laid off "
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, "and not money"
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: "Start off with a large one."
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out "I'm now America 's third biggest lender."
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: "Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon."
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: "In a few weeks, nothing."
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a wall street banker: 'This is worse than divorce. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife!!!!..'
UNITED STATES OF IRAN
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Supermarket
A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
Rural pub
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied
"Can you get him for me?" I need to speak to him,", she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I cant", breathed the bartender.."is there anything I can do"
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered. "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied
"Can you get him for me?" I need to speak to him,", she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I cant", breathed the bartender.."is there anything I can do"
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered. "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Tanning salon
One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon.
One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"
The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."
Dark Secret
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
Trouble For The SWAT Team
The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"
Job Interview
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were called up to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the job ...
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were called up to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the job ...
New employee
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Bathing in Milk
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck."
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck."
Life Explained...
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is:
........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is:
........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
Toy cars
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."
How to Impress Clients
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
Next question please
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Consummating marriage
Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage.
Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-- I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."
They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"Going for a cuppa."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Jack Nicklaus," said Eric, "I want to find out what the par is on this damn hole! "
Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-- I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."
They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"Going for a cuppa."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Jack Nicklaus," said Eric, "I want to find out what the par is on this damn hole! "
Deer hunting
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended.
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended.
Amateur photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
Arab marketplace
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground brushing his camel.
"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"
Ammar looked at the American. The he reached over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he
announced: "Twenty- one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the first American remained. He leaned over.
"Listen," he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars if you show me how you can tell the time by holding your camel's balls."
Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down beside him on the ground. Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the side, out of the way.
"Do you see that clock on the tower over there?" he asked.
"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"
Ammar looked at the American. The he reached over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he
announced: "Twenty- one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the first American remained. He leaned over.
"Listen," he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars if you show me how you can tell the time by holding your camel's balls."
Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down beside him on the ground. Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the side, out of the way.
"Do you see that clock on the tower over there?" he asked.
James Bond
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment
The woman notices this then asks. "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies. "I just brought this state-of-the-art watch? "So what's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," Bond explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says your not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies. "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond exclaims "Damn! This thing must be an hour fast."
The woman notices this then asks. "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies. "I just brought this state-of-the-art watch? "So what's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," Bond explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says your not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies. "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond exclaims "Damn! This thing must be an hour fast."
Paddy and Paddy
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Paddy, went out one day and each brought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!! HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's abouts you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!! HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's abouts you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"
3 ill men
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
Construction
In a small rural town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'
Words of simple wisdom
This is something we should all read at least once a week
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41.. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41.. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Keep old motor running
The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else; How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?
'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black!'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else; How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?
'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black!'
2 snakes
Two snakes were slithering down the road. One snake turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake replied, "I don't know, why do you ask?"
He said, "'Cause I just bit my lip."
Addiction to cigars
Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
Hot summer
One hot summer day, Trudy came to town with her dog, tied it in the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? Trudy said it was hers.
'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
Trudy looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? Trudy said it was hers.
'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
Trudy looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Pope
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with Bush" T-Shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Judge
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!" blurted the man again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, But do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!" blurted the man again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, But do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
Food for thought
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.
A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.
Mixing colors in Kindergarten
The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and yellow. One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!" The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
Rythm farting
You are on a bus & you need 2 fart... Since the music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beats.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop,
As you're leaving the bus, you notice that people are staring down at you and
that's when you realize . . . . . . . .
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
You've been listening to your iPod !!
Horse stolen
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Smoke while praying
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him whatthe good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him whatthe good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Hillbilly Jokes
* How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
* Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky
"Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
* Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
* What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
* What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
* How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
* How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
* What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
* Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
* What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Treating a man or woman
How to treat a woman
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to treat a man
Show up naked. Bring a case of beers. Don't block the TV.
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to treat a man
Show up naked. Bring a case of beers. Don't block the TV.
Sex problem
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
Blood circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Case of Budweiser
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price.'
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price.'
Drawing
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
Bars
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
Unhappy
A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."
Two-line rhymes
WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST
ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
This is the winner
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
UPS Man
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the drive way. Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles, cut his wonder short.
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since *4:00 am* Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since *4:00 am* Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'
Walk-in medical clinic
A man arrived at a walk-in medical clinic, promptly at opening time, only to find two other men outside, waiting.
The door was still locked.
He knew one of the men and they started talking. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late.
The man turned to his friend and asked, "Are you first in line to see the doctor?"
"Yes," the other replied.
"Well, I guess I'm third then," he said.
"No," the second man said, "you're second."
"Second? What about you?"
"I'm the doctor."
The door was still locked.
He knew one of the men and they started talking. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late.
The man turned to his friend and asked, "Are you first in line to see the doctor?"
"Yes," the other replied.
"Well, I guess I'm third then," he said.
"No," the second man said, "you're second."
"Second? What about you?"
"I'm the doctor."
Physician
A physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Sunday Paper
'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... So that's why no one was at church today.'
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... So that's why no one was at church today.'
Old men's Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Trip to Chicago
Joe left for a two day trip to Chicago to visit his sisters. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his wallet on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes,wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Joe won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes,wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Joe won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
Medical convention
At a recent medical convention, Doctors registered opinions about the current financial disaster, specifically in regard to the Government "Bail Out Package".Opinions were as follows:
Allergists voted to scratch it, whereas
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve!
Obstetricians said we were laboring under a misconception, but Ophthalmologists flat out vetoed the bill as being short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' and
Pediatricians rallied to chant, 'Oh, Grow up!'
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons agreed to cut it up and wash their hands of it, yet Internists thought it was a bitter pill we have to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on things.'
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists said the it would not hold water.
Anesthesiologists noted that the whole idea was a gas, but Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Final opinion was voiced by a coalition of Proctologists sho advised everyone to leave the financial fiasco with the a**holes in Washington who caused it?
Allergists voted to scratch it, whereas
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve!
Obstetricians said we were laboring under a misconception, but Ophthalmologists flat out vetoed the bill as being short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' and
Pediatricians rallied to chant, 'Oh, Grow up!'
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons agreed to cut it up and wash their hands of it, yet Internists thought it was a bitter pill we have to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on things.'
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists said the it would not hold water.
Anesthesiologists noted that the whole idea was a gas, but Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Final opinion was voiced by a coalition of Proctologists sho advised everyone to leave the financial fiasco with the a**holes in Washington who caused it?
Michigan woman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
Next question please
Q: What did Speedy Gonzales say to his wife on their honeymoon?
A: This won't hurt, did it?
A: This won't hurt, did it?
Priest
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when the wicked witch of the forest confronted me. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep, Iwould wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....... "
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when the wicked witch of the forest confronted me. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep, Iwould wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....... "
Pastor
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"
Bow legged
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied, "I know. I know."
Beggars
Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
Selling drugs
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
Chicken farmer
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
A Chinese Call center
A Chinese Call center:
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.... ...
As reported by: Good Wan
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.... ...
As reported by: Good Wan
Absent-minded Professor
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."
Predictably, he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
Predictably, he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
Catalog models
Ole and Sven were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Sven runs into Ole three weeks later and asks, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?
"Ole said, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday."
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Sven runs into Ole three weeks later and asks, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?
"Ole said, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday."
Next question please
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
A: So what's your question?
Taxpayer
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue.
Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
Main Course
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
Boy Scouts
In a test of emergency systems some boy scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. Scout Pauly was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone to McDonalds for a refill."
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone to McDonalds for a refill."
Math teacher
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Drunk wives
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
Definitions - Men & Women
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with The lads.
Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with The lads.
Police Pick Up
One early evening, a police car pulled up in front of grandma Marge's house, and grandpa Stanley gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the neighborhood park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Stanley", said grandma Marge. "You've been going to that park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to his wife, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa Stanley whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
"Oh Stanley", said grandma Marge. "You've been going to that park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to his wife, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa Stanley whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Next question please
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Lebians
Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
Never go to HR for Help (HR=HIGH RISK)
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. . 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. . 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
A question of Economics management
GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a dancer who gave him her services on credit.
The dancer goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.
There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.
COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Or, is there a catch here?
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a dancer who gave him her services on credit.
The dancer goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.
There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.
COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Or, is there a catch here?
Dignified old lady
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Fishing
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."
30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."
Next question please
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
A: Both of them.
Bravest troops
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high.
He took one look at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high.
He took one look at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
Difference between a nail
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school.
Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
Food for thought
The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
Heavy Metal joke
Disclaimer: NOM/No disrespect meant everyone. Ignore obscenities
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f@#!$ the princess.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f@#!$ her.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f@#!$ the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f@#!$ the princess and kills her.Then he f@#!$ the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f@#!$ the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f@#!$ it for the last time.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the a HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f@#!$ the princess.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f@#!$ her.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f@#!$ the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f@#!$ the princess and kills her.Then he f@#!$ the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f@#!$ the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f@#!$ it for the last time.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the a HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
Consultant
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "
The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".
How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "
The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".
How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Name Change
Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Poopferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. poopferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Poopferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. poopferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
Pre-marriage questionnaire form
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
Next question please
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Quick Jokes
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
Spanish words of the day
The English Instructor told Pepito to use these words in a sentence.
1. Cheese: Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.
2. Mushroom: When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder: My friend wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. TEXAS: My friend always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes: Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July: Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum: I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!
8. Juarez: One day my gramma slapped me and I said, 'Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken: I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair: We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
11. Chicken wing: My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
12. Harassment: My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop: My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
1. Cheese: Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.
2. Mushroom: When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder: My friend wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. TEXAS: My friend always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes: Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July: Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum: I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!
8. Juarez: One day my gramma slapped me and I said, 'Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken: I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair: We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
11. Chicken wing: My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
12. Harassment: My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop: My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
Quickest way to York
In England, a man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way."
The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way."
Radar gun
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
World War II
It seems that a young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II. Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
Crashed plane
A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)