A recent survey was conducted also to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. Here are the survey results :
* 5% said it was to get a glass of water
* 12% said it was to go to the bathroom
* 83% said it was to go home
Highlander
One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Pun Intended
The hotel porter refused to carry my baggage, so I punched him. My case comes up next week.
Little Mexican boy
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face saying, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See? Did you learn anything from that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"
His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See? Did you learn anything from that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"
Walking dog
A man's out walking his dog one day, when it slips the leash, and runs away. As the man is chasing the dog down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a cash settlement. Would twenty-five dollars do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another twenty-five!"
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a cash settlement. Would twenty-five dollars do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another twenty-five!"
Golf
Harry teed his ball up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing. Something went wrong, and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one -- where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."
Pregnant
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Son of a Baptist minister
A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist."
The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist."
A compromise
At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle."
Horse farm
A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
7th Grade
Toward the end of the school year, the sixth-grade teachers decide which of their students should be accelerated in certain subjects in the seventh grade. When a child is chosen, his parents are notified.
When one boy was accelerated in science and math, his mother wrote to the teacher: "I think this is quite an honor for someone who just tried to make two quarts of lemonade in a one-quart pitcher!"
When one boy was accelerated in science and math, his mother wrote to the teacher: "I think this is quite an honor for someone who just tried to make two quarts of lemonade in a one-quart pitcher!"
Old women
Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.
As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. "I thought he was lovely," said one.
"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.
"He was very loud, wasn't he?"
"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"
"I said he was very loud."
"Eh?"
"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull!"
"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."
As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. "I thought he was lovely," said one.
"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.
"He was very loud, wasn't he?"
"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"
"I said he was very loud."
"Eh?"
"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull!"
"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."
Airline Pilot
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Erection
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
Young couple
A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is walking in the country, when he comes upon a farmer and his dog standing at the side of the road. He stops and they exchange greetings. The ventriloquist is bored from walking alone for so long, so he decides to have a little fun with the farmer.
"Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he asks the farmer.
"Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!"
"Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist replies.
He bends down by the dog and says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He then does the voice of the dog without moving his lips and says "Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist proceeds to have a pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how the farmer treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When he's finished, they walk up the path to the farm and go to the stables.
"Mind if I talk to your horse?" the ventriloquist asks.
"You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..." answers the farmer.
Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with the animal, asking him how often the farmer takes him out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable towards the fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the pasture.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks.
The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!"
"Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he asks the farmer.
"Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!"
"Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist replies.
He bends down by the dog and says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He then does the voice of the dog without moving his lips and says "Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist proceeds to have a pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how the farmer treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When he's finished, they walk up the path to the farm and go to the stables.
"Mind if I talk to your horse?" the ventriloquist asks.
"You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..." answers the farmer.
Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with the animal, asking him how often the farmer takes him out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable towards the fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the pasture.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks.
The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!"
Kids' Wise Words
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
Amish woman
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
First date
On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "This tastes like piss!", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "This tastes like piss!", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
Freshman
A college freshman comes home after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?"
"Yes, I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds, stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"
"Yes, I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds, stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"
Young woman
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Grade-school teacher
A grade-school teacher was grading a science test at home that she had given to her class and was reading some of the results to her husband. The subject was the human body, and the first question was to "Name one of the major functions of your skin."
One child had written, "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."
One child had written, "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."
Sting
"Now, Mrs. Hansen, this may sting just a little," the doctor said, as he prepared the syringe of antibiotic and stepped forward to administer it. The patient suddenly SCREAMED in agonizing pain and crumpled to the floor!
The doctor picked her up and stated, "Mrs. Hansen, this is ridiculous. I haven't even injected the needle yet!"
"No, you haven't" cried Mrs. Hansen. "But you DID step on my ingrown toenail!"
The doctor picked her up and stated, "Mrs. Hansen, this is ridiculous. I haven't even injected the needle yet!"
"No, you haven't" cried Mrs. Hansen. "But you DID step on my ingrown toenail!"
The English Language has changed
When I Was TEN Years Old,
RUBBER Meant Eraser...
ASS Meant Donkey...
PUSSY Meant Cat...
COCK Meant Rooster...
GAY Meant Happy...
STRAIGHT Meant Linear...
SCREW meant a Fastener...
MAKING OUT meant 'Logical Deduction'...
RAMMING meant Compacting...
LAYING meant 'Setting Aside'...
STAG meant a ' Male Deer'...
A TIT was always, always for a TAT...
JACKING always referred to a flat Tyre...
What A Way...The English Language Has Changed!
RUBBER Meant Eraser...
ASS Meant Donkey...
PUSSY Meant Cat...
COCK Meant Rooster...
GAY Meant Happy...
STRAIGHT Meant Linear...
SCREW meant a Fastener...
MAKING OUT meant 'Logical Deduction'...
RAMMING meant Compacting...
LAYING meant 'Setting Aside'...
STAG meant a ' Male Deer'...
A TIT was always, always for a TAT...
JACKING always referred to a flat Tyre...
What A Way...The English Language Has Changed!
Drunk
A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Do you want to go to heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Game
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Spelling mistake
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her...!"
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her...!"
Superior culture
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Good advice
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Farmer
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger he shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine British accent.
"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine British accent.
"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."
Philanderer
Jeff was married and a philanderer. A friend finally took him to task. "When you run around with other women, doesn't your conscience bother you?"
"Yes, for a certain length of time ...and then if I don't hear from their lawyers, I feel better."
"Yes, for a certain length of time ...and then if I don't hear from their lawyers, I feel better."
Taxi
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Elderly lady
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Hawaii vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"garb They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"garb They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied.
Sunday School teacher
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
Depressed blonde
A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Flying saucer
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
Hunter
Three less than intelligent men, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he's gonna die."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."
Jewish man
An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
Convicts
Three international convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
Less calories
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully-prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
Advertising Bloopers
1: The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
2: Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3: Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
4: Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
5: Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
6: A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
7: When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
8: Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
9: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
10: In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
11: Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
12: Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
13: The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
14: Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
15: When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
2: Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3: Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
4: Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
5: Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
6: A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
7: When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
8: Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
9: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
10: In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
11: Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
12: Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
13: The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
14: Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
15: When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
Good, Bad and Worse
Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Soaked
"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, "what's your name?"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
Elderly passenger
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
New words in the language
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
***********************************************************
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners were:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n..): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (n): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web..
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Hip young man
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
Sisters
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Dire circumstances
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
New York Divorce Lawyer
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Fairy land
Once upon a time there dwelt, in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw. Verily he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet it did sorely trouble him. So that each day he would go into the deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver screw.
Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me
lift thy burden.' The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.'
The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.' The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's magic spell.
Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.
As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which, in
turn, disappeared. As did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once,
twice, thrice! And his bum fell off.
Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me
lift thy burden.' The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.'
The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.' The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's magic spell.
Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.
As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which, in
turn, disappeared. As did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once,
twice, thrice! And his bum fell off.
Build house
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.
"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking bricks."
She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.
"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking bricks."
Big city
Mary Sue was visiting the big city for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!"
"Ma'am, this is the elevator."
"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!"
"Ma'am, this is the elevator."
Before it starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started."
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started."
Wearing wedding ring
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
Next question please
Q: What did the little boy say to Math?
A: Grow up! Learn to solve your own problems.
A: Grow up! Learn to solve your own problems.
Local tavern
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"
Worried father
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
Bank Robbery
A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank. But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me Rob
this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?".
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?".
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
Explorer
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."
Heaven
Three married guys die and meet St.Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The gut answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter then points to two doors and says
to enter the second one. "
He turns to the second guy asking him the same question. "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two.
Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for about five seconds and says, "Well, yes. You see I was in this saloon in Texas and noticed that they had only one cowgirl working there to take care of all the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, that's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose. So that's when I cheated on my wife".
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"
Peter says, "Yes, and they're both going to Hell......... But you and I are going to Texas!"
to enter the second one. "
He turns to the second guy asking him the same question. "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two.
Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for about five seconds and says, "Well, yes. You see I was in this saloon in Texas and noticed that they had only one cowgirl working there to take care of all the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, that's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose. So that's when I cheated on my wife".
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"
Peter says, "Yes, and they're both going to Hell......... But you and I are going to Texas!"
Deathbed
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
Food for thought
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Virgin
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first
time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first
time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"
Little boy
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He
straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the
air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He
straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the
air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Married
A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said,"Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
Drunk
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Nun
Two newly ordained nuns decided to take a day out. They went to London Zoo and were enjoying themselves, wandering around and looking at all the animals, and then they came upon the cage housing the gorillas. As one of the nuns leaned forward to observe the gorillas more closely, the biggest of the gorillas took one look at this beautiful young nun, leapt forward, bent open the bars, grabbed her, dragged her into the cage and disappeared into the back of his cavern with her. When the gorilla was finished with her, he came out of his cavern and ceremoniously thumped on his massive chest.
In the meantime, the nun managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the arms of the other nun. She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn. She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up. She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never, ever, mention this - or even ask me what happened. Ever ever again! Alright?"
The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent. The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked about that day again. Many many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying. At her bedside, the other nun, still her ever loyal friend, comforted her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear, please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do! I've always wondered.... Can I ask you something?"
The dying nun nodded. "Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That... That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"
The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her eye, "Did he hurt me?!" She looked away and paused to take a breath. The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish. "Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even sent flowers....!"
In the meantime, the nun managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the arms of the other nun. She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn. She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up. She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never, ever, mention this - or even ask me what happened. Ever ever again! Alright?"
The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent. The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked about that day again. Many many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying. At her bedside, the other nun, still her ever loyal friend, comforted her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear, please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do! I've always wondered.... Can I ask you something?"
The dying nun nodded. "Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That... That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"
The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her eye, "Did he hurt me?!" She looked away and paused to take a breath. The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish. "Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even sent flowers....!"
Food for thought
Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.
Traffic rules in India
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
11. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
12. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
13. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
15. There is a common held belief that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
11. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
12. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
13. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
15. There is a common held belief that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
Golf
"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them." said Jill one day to her friend Mary.
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill?
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill?
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
House of ill repute
A guy goes to a house of ill repute and says to the madam, "I want to get screwed."
"Go up to room #12 and knock on the door."
The guy walks up to the room, knocks on the door, and says, "I want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies, "Just slide a hundred dollars under the door."
So the man slides a $100 bill under the door and waits. Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out, "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
"Go up to room #12 and knock on the door."
The guy walks up to the room, knocks on the door, and says, "I want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies, "Just slide a hundred dollars under the door."
So the man slides a $100 bill under the door and waits. Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out, "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
Next question please
Q: What Is Better, Being Born Black Or Gay?
A: Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
A: Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
Word and their meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Drunk
Two buddies, Bob and Ben, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Ben throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.. ''Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.'
Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.. ''Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.'
Next question please
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
Furniture
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Princeton, West Virginia, decided to expand the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find in good furrin' stuff. After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell very well back home in West Virginia. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of that French wine that he had heard so much about.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
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