A man from the city decided to buy himself a pig, so he took a drive in the country until he came across a sign reading, "Pigs for Sale." Turning into the drive, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a pen full of pigs
and explained his mission. Agreeing to a price of a dollar a pound, he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked up the pig by the tail with his teeth.
"Ayuh," he said, setting the squealing animal down, "that there pig weighs sixty-nine pounds."
Noting his customer's astonishment, the farmer explained that the ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down through the generations. Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a city slicker, the man insisted on a second opinion. So the old farmer called his son over from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the pig's weight to be sixty-nine pounds.
Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him to go to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt. The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to the pigpen it was
without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the old man.
"I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."
"Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.
"Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think she's weighing the postman."
Summoned to court
Judy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said Judy from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," Judy said. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
Judy: "I don't remember."
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said Judy from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," Judy said. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
Judy: "I don't remember."
Chastity belt
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no
good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad ", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
Sir Galahad was speechless.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no
good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad ", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
Sir Galahad was speechless.
Biker
Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny ... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes."
The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's pens is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that, are you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes."
The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's pens is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that, are you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
Cow from India
The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk. The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in India quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from India and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in India?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from India. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in India?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from India"
They brought the cow from India and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in India?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from India. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in India?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from India"
Next question please
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
A: She moved.
Famous churches
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked the priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked the priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
Swine Flu Virus
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
1. Sore throat.
2. Slight headache.
3. Moderate to high temperature.
4. Nausea or upset stomach.
5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.
1. Sore throat.
2. Slight headache.
3. Moderate to high temperature.
4. Nausea or upset stomach.
5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.
New priest
The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents. Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e. the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
Construction worker
This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak.
Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced one I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee. While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.
"I think it was sex-related," offered one of the crew.
"Sex-releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.
"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"
Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced one I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee. While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.
"I think it was sex-related," offered one of the crew.
"Sex-releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.
"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"
Older women
Three older women were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start
making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says "That must be the door, I'll get it."
making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says "That must be the door, I'll get it."
Fishing
Tex and Jim are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Jim says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 4 months.'
Tex spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
Tex spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
Blue ball
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
Murder
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."
Next question please
Q: What Did One Gay Frog Say To The Other Gay Frog???
A: Oh You Really Do Taste Like Chicken.
A: Oh You Really Do Taste Like Chicken.
Those Scots
A Scottish man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and… put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in
her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and… put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in
her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Rainstorm
It was the worst rainstorm of the century. Half the valley was gone! Agitated, a man called the rescue hotline.
"Help me. I'm standing in two feet of water!"
The operator at the hotline said, "That's not exactly a flood emergency around here."
The man said, "No? I'm calling from the fourth floor!"
"Help me. I'm standing in two feet of water!"
The operator at the hotline said, "That's not exactly a flood emergency around here."
The man said, "No? I'm calling from the fourth floor!"
TANJOOBERRYMUTTS ....
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China . In order to continue getting-by in China, we need to learn English the way it is
spoken.......................
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......and you do, don't you!
spoken.......................
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......and you do, don't you!
Pair of pliers
A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later his brake cable snaps.
He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting.
However, he thinks she should understand what he wants if he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing".
So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes, I did," she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat."
He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting.
However, he thinks she should understand what he wants if he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing".
So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes, I did," she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat."
John Hinckley
He shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well
known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan sent to Hinckley at the mental facility where he is being
treated:
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout. The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan sent to Hinckley at the mental facility where he is being
treated:
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout. The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
Impotent bus driver
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are
quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. "Three times!" He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks.
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"
quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. "Three times!" He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks.
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"
Teenager in a boutique
This teenager was in a boutique for at least an hour choosing the "perfect" dress for the prom. The next day, to the surprise of the saleswoman, she was back with the outfit.
"Can I exchange this for something else?" she asked.
The saleswoman was surprised, but she couldn't argue with the girl's explanation: "My parents like it."
"Can I exchange this for something else?" she asked.
The saleswoman was surprised, but she couldn't argue with the girl's explanation: "My parents like it."
Lemon grove job
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."
Frog
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. A local witch had given him special powers. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
Fooled ya
A Hippy gets on a bus, sees a nun, goes over and asks her to have sex. The nun says she is married to god & gets off the bus. The driver says if you want sex with her she goes to the graveyard every night at 12, just dress up as god...
Hippy goes to the graveyard that night dressed as god, sees the nun & says "I'm god, I want sex". Nun says ok, but asks for anal as she wants to keep her virginity.
So they go ahead & when they finish the Hippy says "Haha I'm the Hippy!" and the nun replies "Haha I'm the bus driver!"
Hippy goes to the graveyard that night dressed as god, sees the nun & says "I'm god, I want sex". Nun says ok, but asks for anal as she wants to keep her virginity.
So they go ahead & when they finish the Hippy says "Haha I'm the Hippy!" and the nun replies "Haha I'm the bus driver!"
Marriage in trouble
Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.
Bill: Why do you say that?
Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to sex. "It's not as boring," she said.
Bill: Why do you say that?
Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to sex. "It's not as boring," she said.
Next question please
Q: Why are men like dolphins?
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
Salesman
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day."
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
Bible story
James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Synchronize libidos
After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to hear about a new product called Now!Agra. Each pill came with
strict instructions; 'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favorite records, and was truly relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered. "What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and somehow, after
all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So I took it there and then..."
"And..."
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
strict instructions; 'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favorite records, and was truly relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered. "What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and somehow, after
all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So I took it there and then..."
"And..."
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
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