Green garden-grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes

A couple in Rockwall, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he'd had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital at Garland. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it would need stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. 

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area of south Rockwall along Texas State Route 205.

Time passed .......... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world .....

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

Dead wife

Cop: I am sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident; we'd like you to come down to the morgue so that you can identify the body.

John: I'm really busy right now, can't you take a photo and tag it to me on Facebook? If it's her, I'll click 'like'

Mr.Periwinkle

Old Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room.

Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room.

A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and walks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"

Drunk

A drunk had passed out in an alley way and along came a queer. The queer looked about and, not seeing anyone, pulled down the drunk's pants and screwed him in the ass. When he finished he placed a $20.00 in the drunk's pocket.

The next morning the drunk was searching his pockets for a cigarette when he discovered the $20.00 bill. He immediately dashed to the corner liquor store and asked for $20.00 worth of the cheapest wine in the house. He received 4 bottles of wine and proceeded to drink every drop. He passed out in the same alley way and along came the same queer.

Not seeing anyone about, he remembered how good it was the night before so he pulled down the drunk's pants and screwed him in the ass, again. Again he tucked a $20.00 in the drunk's pocket. In the morning the drunk found the $20.00 and headed for the same liquor store. Again he asked for $20.00 worth of the cheapest wine in the house. Again he received 4 bottles. Again he drank every drop. Again he passed out in the same alleyway. Along came this same queer, only this time he had a friend with him.

After removing the ole boy's trousers they both screwed him in the ass. When they finished they both placed a $20.00 bill in his pocket. The next morning the drunk found the $40.00 and high tailed it to the same liquor store. Upon entering the clerk said, "I know! You want $20.00 worth of the cheapest wine I've got in the house."

"Nope!" the wino said. "I want $40.00 worth of the best wine you've got in the house. That cheap stuff makes my asshole sore!

Penguin

A penguin is having problems with his car so he drops it off at the workshop and asks the mechanic to check it out while he goes and gets an ice-cream. (Penguins like ice-cream as everyone knows).

It is very difficult to eat an ice-cream with flippers and the penguin gets it all over his face. Soon after, he returns to the workshop and asks what the problem was with his car. The mechanic says, "It looks like you've just blown a seal" to which the penguin replies, "No, I've just been eating ice-cream".

Brain cell

A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man's head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, "Is anyone here?" With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, "Can anyone hear me?" Still there was no response.

By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, "IS THERE ANYONE HERE!"

From far away she heard a little voice reply, "Hello, were all down here…

Blonde gambler

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.

Flight conversation

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit!". And then she went back to reading her book

Special petrol?

No more Windows for Punjab

Microsoft's Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after receiving a letter from Mr Banta Singh.

To : Bill Gates, Microsoft
From : Banta Singh of Punjab
Date : 1 April 2011
Subject : Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice..

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ' find 'button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when will you provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when will you provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single picture of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC only at home.

8. You provide 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God's sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates
PS: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Dig out of grave

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard long into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig....... I had him buried upside down.'

And you know men won't ask for directions

Not drinking

One day, two friends, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger: Bubba said, "Look up ahead Earl, It's a police roadblock! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,"Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir" said Earl "We're on the patch."

Wrong medicine

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He approaches the clerk and asks: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough. "And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative."

The horrified pharmacist shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds; "Of course you can! Look at him; he is afraid to cough!"

Old age

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the Restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the  car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card"

The best patients

While having lunch five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Hotel stay

A lady decided to treat herself on her birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high, "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them" she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have" the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have" she said

Navy discharge

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief !" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!”

Not a joke, but a comfort-read

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very, attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him.  What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.  Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Fighter pilots

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party ?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine ?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Change

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar ?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer ! Now, let's try it again !"

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar ?"

Soldier: "No, SIR !"

The Colonel's phone

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

Army vehicle

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir ?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

Aircraft time

On some US air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it ?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling ?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make ?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it's an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hour."

Beer research

An alarming revelation!  Beer contains  female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! * * * * Last month,  Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis  that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a  concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains  female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough  beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8  schooners of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that  100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: * * 1) Argued over  nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained  weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly  emotional at the drop of hat. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally, and 8) Had  to sit down while urinating. * * * No further testing was considered  necessary!

Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands". One thing led to another and they make love.

 After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing."

Lucky draw in a bar

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers are being called over the PA system. Curiously, the guy asks the bartender "What's going on".

The bartender breaks it down saying "it's simple, you order a drink you get a number. If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!"

The guy says "I don't believe it sounds like bullshit to me"

Some drunk guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, My wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes"

Country doctor

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again" the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Hair remover

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some 'Nair' hair remover and rubbing it in the dog's ears every three months.

On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy 'Nair.' At the register, the pharmacist says, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.' The woman says: "I'm not using it under my arms.'

Again the pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.' The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.'

The helpful pharmacist says: In that case, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.

Out of towner

Tired by his life's hectic pace, the swinger determines to take a leisurely drive across the country. At first the pastoral sights pleased him, but by the time he got to Kansas, he was dying for some action.

Pulling into the only gas station in a small town one Saturday evening, he asked the attendant, "Is there any nightlife in this town?"

"Not anymore," the station owner replied. "She moved to Chicago"

New drink

"What's that drink you're mixing?" the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar.

"I call this a rum dandy," said the bartender. "What's in it?" asked the stranger. "Sugar, milk, and rum," said the bartender. "Is it good?" asked the stranger."Sure," said the barkeep. "The sugar gives you pep, the milk gives you energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy" replied the bartender.

Jon and the bear

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Husbands, So Logical

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one 
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
 
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
 
He replied, "They had eggs."

Three boys and old lady

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman's expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, "Did your folks ever get married?"

"Nope," replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. "How about yours?" "They never bothered," answered the first young man.

"That's nothing," interrupted the third, "my mother doesn't even know who my father is."

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. "Excuse me, but would one of you little bastards please pass the sugar?

Changing of the English Language

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between  Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Fire truck

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".

The little girl replied "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".

Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

Beautiful woman

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,  he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myth! It's all about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the most incredible long lasting stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you, since I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said,  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

New invention

The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. "It's an apple that tastes like pu**y."

Curious Mr. Johnson took a bite; he spat violently. "pu**y? This thing tastes like shit!

The pharmacist flushed and turned it around. "Sorry," he said, "You bit the wrong side."

Old age sex

An elderly man visits his doctor.

"Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."

"Very well, let me see your sex organs, please."

The aged patient replied "o.k" And stuck out his index finger and his tongue.

Saint Bernard

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back. "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Next question please

Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.

Next question please

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs.

Playing in the sandbox

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the CEO "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared in the machine, "I just need one copy".

Dog in temple

A Jewish man walks into Temple one Saturday walking his dog on a leash. The rabbi comes over and says, "Bernie, what are you doing bringing a dog to Temple? This is no place for an animal!" 
"He wants to pray" the man replies. "But Bernie, you can't be bringing a dog to Temple. It just isn't done." "But I'm telling you, he wants to pray" the man insists.
Folding his arms, the Rabbi says, "OK, he wants to pray, let's see him pray." So the man wraps a prayer shawl around the dog's shoulders, puts a yarmulke on his head, and opens the Torah. The dog then puts his paw on the page and starts reading perfect Hebrew.
The astonished Rabbi says, "Why Bernie, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Have you ever considered enrolling him in Rabbinical School?"
Rolling his eyes heavenward, the man answers, "YOU talk to him. He wants to be a doctor!

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b#@*H, I'm married!!!"



Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time...   Priceless!!!!

Old age

An elderly man visits a doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," the doctor tells him when the exam is over. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says the patient, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the Good Lord looks out for me: For weeks now, every time I go the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns on the light for me."

Concerned the doctor heads out to the waiting room, approaches Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said.

"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it DOES explain who's' been peeing in the fridge.

Viper

As a man was working in his office one day, he received a phone call. "Hello," he said. At the other end of the line, a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper, I am coming in a week." Then the caller hung up.

The man thought someone was pulling a practical joke, so he didn't think much about it until a few days later, when he got another phone call. After he said "Hello," a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming in three days." Then the caller hung up again.

The man was starting to get a bit worried but he still thought someone was trying to scare him. Then he received another phone call. This time, the voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming tomorrow." Once again, the caller hung up.

Now the man was sure that someone was out to get him. The next day when he went to work, he brought along his rifle, just in case. That afternoon, a stranger wearing white overalls and carrying a pail of water came into the man's office. "Who are you?" the man asked. The stranger replied, "I am the viper. I have come to vipe your vindows."

Moose hunting

Two hunters go moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume and begin to give the moose love-call. Before long, their call is answered as a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull is close enough, the guy in front says, 'OK, let's get out and get him.'

After a moment that seems like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, 'The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?

The guy in the front says, 'Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.'

Lawyer and chiropractor

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Proctologist

A proctologist goes to his bank to make a deposit.

He reaches in his pocket for a pen to endorse his check, and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

The proctologist says, "Damn, some asshole's got my pen."

Two kids in the hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" 

Genie

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink.

After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy's head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small.

The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her.

She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.

Rednecks

What is the difference between northern and southerner fairy tales?

Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time...." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."

Couple

A couple is in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight."

She says, "You are licking the rug.

Woman in bar

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."

"No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

That's the word!!!

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1967 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.He arrived at her house and rang the bell.....

'Oh, come on in.....' Peggy Sue's mother welcomed Fred in, 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'. 'Iced tea please' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach.'

'Peggy likes to screw..... you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.....'Oh yes......' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw again and again!'. 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes!' said the mother, 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'. 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said, as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'That bloody dance is called the Twist!'

Dave

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord…"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"

"It's my four year old son…" Dave replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that" continued Dave "but it's far worse than that. He got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord

"It's not...." he said, " the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms"

Sick veterinarian

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc.

She interrupts him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions; I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Immigrants

Two migrants arrive in the USA by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.'

'Odd,' the other one replies, 'but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.'

Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it.'Two dogs, please,' says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too please to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get?'

Heart operation

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eighth hour's sleep a night.

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited".

Daffynitions

Some are so apt that they should be in the dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

Cosmetic surgery

Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, 'I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'

The second woman says, 'Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached.'

The first woman replies, 'Funny, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde.

Tony

Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh,

Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.

Lost rooster

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted

Little Johnny and the priest

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" 

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. 

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" 

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. 

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" 

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Barbie doll

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"

The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

Perverted teacher

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Catholics

Four Catholic men and one Catholic woman were having coffee.

First Catholic man : "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, every1 calls him Father"

Second Catholic man : "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace"

Third Catholic man : "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room every1 says Your Eminence"

Fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness"

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the 4 men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, and 38-24-34. When she walks in to a room, ppl say, "Oh My God!" 

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."

Sandal

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

U.S. Marine boot camp

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!"

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, Naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!"

The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked Him right across the chest.

"Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest.

"Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous Erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick.

"Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

Parting

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told yo u we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Louisville, Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

Future

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

Airport Security Slogans

- Grope discounts available.

- Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

- If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

- Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

- Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.


- Wanna fly? Open your fly!

- We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

- We are now free to move about your pants

- We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

- It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

- When in doubt, we make you whip it out.


- You were a virgin.

- We handle more packages than the USPS


- Stroke of the hand, law of the land.

- No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.

- Let your fingers do the Walking.

- Bend Over And Cough

- Reach out and touch someone.

- Can you feel me now?

- When we're done with you, you'll need a cigarette

In Old Russia

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."