A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.
Showing posts with label guy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guy. Show all posts
Guys
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
First date
A long, long time ago, in a place far, far away, a lonely guy was on his first date with a girl.
Yessir,... it was his first date EVER, and he was very anxious. His id was in control, and his thoughts were dominated with hopes of carnal pleasures.
In his anticipation, he lost all control before they had even arrived at the restaurant. He told her, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you let me pull over and feel your breasts."
The young woman thought carefully about his offer. She considered his reputation, and she considered her attraction toward him. She even took out her purse and checked her finances, counting every penny.
And then she said:
"I'll give you $9.83 if you'll take me straight home and never tell anyone I went out with you!"
Vanity
In her own eyes, Suzy was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Wal-Mart
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, Tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, And is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,---let's look for yours."
Marine
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Fancy costume party
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on, just a pair of pants.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation." said the man, "I just came in my pants!"
Rip the wife's panties off
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me," he replied.
Woman having an affair
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm naked!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.
One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."
Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!"
The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."
Pinocchio and Splinters
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later, "How is the problem work out with your girlfriend?"
Said Pinnochio, "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
International Council of Manhood Rules of Being a Man
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood
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