The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
Next question please
Q: Why are fire engines red?
A: Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red, and fire trucks are always rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red!
I'm sure this answer was provided by hyperactive 5 year old!!!!!
A: Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red, and fire trucks are always rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red!
I'm sure this answer was provided by hyperactive 5 year old!!!!!
Rules for California Gay Marriages
1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand-held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
10) The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand-held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
10) The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
Aussie In Rome
A young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.
Box of condoms
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
Anniversary card
A man was in a Hallmark store, trying to pick out an anniversary card for his wife. The clerk was concerned that the customer had already spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting.
After watching the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one card my wife will believe."
After watching the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one card my wife will believe."
Where did the white man go wrong
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that'.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that'.
Quotable quotes ...
Forgiving or punishing the terrorists is left to God.
But, fixing their appointment with God is our responsibility.
- Indian Army
Now, here are a couple of (modified) quotes, keeping in mind the IT industry ...
Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager.
But, fixing their appointment with Manager is our responsibility.
- Test Engineer
And it continues ...
Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client.
But, fixing their appointment with Client is our responsibility.
- Developer
- Indian Army
Now, here are a couple of (modified) quotes, keeping in mind the IT industry ...
Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager.
But, fixing their appointment with Manager is our responsibility.
- Test Engineer
And it continues ...
Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client.
But, fixing their appointment with Client is our responsibility.
- Developer
Efficiency expert
An efficiency expert, called into a company to find out why they were losing money, stopped one man and asked him what he did.
"Nothing," said the employee.
The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.
"Nothing," was his reply.
"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."
"Nothing," said the employee.
The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.
"Nothing," was his reply.
"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."
Make-up sex
"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one." said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah" says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah" says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
Loony tunes
A loony tunes is sitting in his cell playing solitaire. Another patient, who has been watching, suddenly cries, "Wait a minute! I just caught you cheating yourself."
The first man puts his finger to his lips. "Shhh," he whispers. "Don't tell anybody, but for years I've been cheating myself at solitaire."
"You don't say," says his surprised pal. "Don't you ever catch yourself cheating?"
The first man shakes his head. "Naw," he says proudly. "I'm too clever."
The first man puts his finger to his lips. "Shhh," he whispers. "Don't tell anybody, but for years I've been cheating myself at solitaire."
"You don't say," says his surprised pal. "Don't you ever catch yourself cheating?"
The first man shakes his head. "Naw," he says proudly. "I'm too clever."
Maternity waiting room
Two fathers-to-be met in the maternity waiting room.
"Can you believe this? The first day of our vacation, and she goes into labor!"
The second one looks at the first and says, "What do you have to complain about? This is our honeymoon!"
"Can you believe this? The first day of our vacation, and she goes into labor!"
The second one looks at the first and says, "What do you have to complain about? This is our honeymoon!"
Silk handkerchief
A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?"
"Where did you find that?" he stutters
"I didn't" she answers, "The mail man found it on your night-stand"
"Where did you find that?" he stutters
"I didn't" she answers, "The mail man found it on your night-stand"
Food for thought
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
No pea
There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
Diner
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"
Trucker's Wedgie
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid "Trucker's Wedgie"
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid "Trucker's Wedgie"
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"
Blonde golfer
A blonde, waiting by the first tee for her lesson from the golf pro, watched a foursome tee off.
The first man hit it 230 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
"Nice shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the golfer.
"What do you mean?"
"I have a glass eye."
"I don't believe you," said the blonde. "Show me."
He popped out his glass eye and showed it to her.
The second golfer hit it 240 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
"Good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the second golfer.
"You, too?" said the blonde. "What's wrong with you?"
"I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you," said the blonde. "Show me."
So he screwed out his arm and showed it to her.
The third golfer hit a 250-yard drive down the middle.
"Great shot," said the blonde. "Not bad, considering my impediment."
"Another? What's your impediment?"
"Prosthetic leg," said the golfer.
"No way," said the blonde. "Show me."
So the golfer screwed off his leg and showed it to her.
The fourth golfer hit a beauty, 320 yards, straight as a string.
"Now that's a shot," said the blonde. "I suppose you have an impediment, too?"
"Yep," said the golfer. "Artificial heart."
"What? I don't believe you! Show me."
"I can't show you here in the open," he said. "Let's go over there, behind the Pro Shop."
They did, but when they hadn't returned after fifteen minutes, his partners peered around behind the Pro Shop to see what was keeping him.
And there he was -- screwing his heart out!
Old age divorce
After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Jew man calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you callyour sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, I'll take care of this.'
She calls Dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DOYOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming home for your birthday and paying theirown airfare!!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you callyour sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, I'll take care of this.'
She calls Dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DOYOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming home for your birthday and paying theirown airfare!!'
Weight-gain Survey
A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney,pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eye-sight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Daz, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney,pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eye-sight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Daz, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
Playing in the sandbox
A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs
to shift.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs
to shift.
She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible
explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.
The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a
tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is
out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I
thought, dual exhaust."
Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce
The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather:
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen:
Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather:
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen:
Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
Capture by cannibals
Three airmen were shot down over the Pacific during WWII. One was an American. One was a Frenchman. The other was a Scot.
They were captured by a tribe of cannibals on a remote island. They were told that they would be boiled alive, eaten, and then their skins would be used to build a new boat.
Before they were boiled alive the head of the tribe offered them three instruments for them to commit suicide. A fork, a knife, and gun with one bullet in the chamber. The American volunteered to go first. He choose the gun and said " God Bless America" and took his life. The Frenchman went next and took the knife... his final words were "Viva France!"
When is it was the Scots turn he calmly took the fork and stabbed himself all over his body and proclaimed " F*ck yer stinkin' boat!"
They were captured by a tribe of cannibals on a remote island. They were told that they would be boiled alive, eaten, and then their skins would be used to build a new boat.
Before they were boiled alive the head of the tribe offered them three instruments for them to commit suicide. A fork, a knife, and gun with one bullet in the chamber. The American volunteered to go first. He choose the gun and said " God Bless America" and took his life. The Frenchman went next and took the knife... his final words were "Viva France!"
When is it was the Scots turn he calmly took the fork and stabbed himself all over his body and proclaimed " F*ck yer stinkin' boat!"
Difference between hooker, a girl friend and a wife
The hooker says, "Your not done yet?"
The girlfriend says, "Your done already!"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"
The girlfriend says, "Your done already!"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"
Missionary
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there andtried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it youdon't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there andtried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it youdon't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Jewish humor
The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
"This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We're officially declaring war on you!"
"How big is your army?" the president asked.
"There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!"
"I have a million in my army," said the president.
"I'll call back!" said Mendel.
The next day he called. "The var's still on!" We have now a bulldozer, Goldblatt's tractor plus the canasta team!"
"I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Mendel. "I'll call back."
He phoned the next day. "We're calling off the var"
"Why?"
"Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Texan
A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N.
Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."
Vaginal examination
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office. The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."
She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"
Boy, howdy, did he get mad!
"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here - you or me?"
She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"
Boy, howdy, did he get mad!
"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here - you or me?"
Baseball game
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire.
No matter what happened on the field, she continuously yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour. Finally, another fan called out, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!"
"Hey," she yelled back, "How would you know? He's my husband, not yours!"
No matter what happened on the field, she continuously yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour. Finally, another fan called out, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!"
"Hey," she yelled back, "How would you know? He's my husband, not yours!"
Next question please
Q: Why did the man name the dogs guarding his ranch Rolex and Timex.
A: Because they are watch dogs.
A: Because they are watch dogs.
Confession
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her aunt, and I slept with her too."
"Father?......... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Torpedo
During World War II, an American warship was under attack by the Japanese. A torpedo was headed toward the ship and a strike seemed inevitable.
The captain told the first officer to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke, so at least the men would die laughing.
Gathering the men around him, the first officer said, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my d**k against the table?"
When the crew burst out laughing the officer pulled out his pe*is and whacked it on the table. Just then, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the first officer.
As they floated around in a lifeboat the captain remarked, "You sure got the crew laughing. What did you do?"
The first officer told him.
"Well, you'd better be careful with that d**k of yours," the captain said. "The torpedo missed."
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers
10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time
6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............
# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
The Top 14 Country & Western Horror Movies
14. Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
13. Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
12. Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer
11. The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon
10. Don't Tell Me You Love Me if You're Gnawing Off My Leg
9. Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin', Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin' Zombies
8. Jurassic Trailer Park
7. Something Twangy This Way Comes
6. Psychoklahoma
5. The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
4. All My Axes are in My Exes
3. Throw Momma from Shania Twain
2. The Expectorist
1. She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It
Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-Man elite fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given only the following facts about the terrorists:
1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickups, or country music
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhart.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
Oral activity
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"
Prayers
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy andgood-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent theworst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy andgood-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent theworst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Confessional
A guy goes inside the confessional and says: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?"
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
"What did you do, my son?"
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
Married 25 years
When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed, and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.
"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed, and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.
Homework
One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?"
His son pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach?"
His son pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach?"
Bells
A minister was walking to church one morning when he passed one of his members working in his garden. "Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?" asked the minister.
"Eh, what's that?" said the member.
"Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to speak a little louder!" said the member.
"CAN'T YOU HEAR THOSE BELLS CALLING YOU TO CHURCH?!" shouted the minister.
"I'm sorry," said the member, "I can't hear you because of those darned BELLS!"
"Eh, what's that?" said the member.
"Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to speak a little louder!" said the member.
"CAN'T YOU HEAR THOSE BELLS CALLING YOU TO CHURCH?!" shouted the minister.
"I'm sorry," said the member, "I can't hear you because of those darned BELLS!"
The supernatural
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats.'"
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats.'"
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