After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
Two Cowboys
There were once two cowboys, one from California and the other from Wyoming, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence.
Well, the temptation was too much for the Wyoming cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.
Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from California if he wanted some.
"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.
Well, the temptation was too much for the Wyoming cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.
Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from California if he wanted some.
"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.
Bear With Me
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.
One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His Czech friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the male bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.
"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?
One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His Czech friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the male bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.
"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?
Why God Gave The Jews 10 Commandments
This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
Next question please
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: Easy. You call them up and tell them you can't come.
A: Easy. You call them up and tell them you can't come.
Teacher
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons!"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons!"
Young bride
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
Affair
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and aid, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and aid, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Be quiet in church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."
Girl on Santa's lap
Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Academic bullshit phrases completed
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.
Out of town
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Mother-in-law
Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
Playing golf
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'
Police force
A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed. The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a rabbit.'
The man says 'Why the rabbit?'
'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a rabbit.'
The man says 'Why the rabbit?'
'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'
Food for thought
Confucius Says... Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Wedding ring on hoohoo
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.
Rich Lady
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'
He says, 'We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off'
He says, 'We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off'
Amazing 21st Birthday
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition. His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered, "Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass."
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered, "Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass."
What do women really want? Eternal question answered
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom... The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden. But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day, or at night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT, make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.... OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now, what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is !
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember:
IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY' !!
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden. But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day, or at night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT, make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.... OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now, what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is !
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember:
IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY' !!
Scissors
A kindergarten teacher teaching about using scissors asked a child, "Do you have any scissors at home?"
"No, but I have two brudders!"
"No, but I have two brudders!"
Jewish congregation
A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
Cooking class
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered the class to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As people stirred my sauce, one lady contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. She approached Mrs. Pritchard about my theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" She asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all you morons banging your metal spoons against metal pots, I'll go nuts!"
Arresting the Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.
"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.
Shotgun
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk.
And she says, "Are you kidding? He doesn't even know yet that I'm going to shoot him!"
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk.
And she says, "Are you kidding? He doesn't even know yet that I'm going to shoot him!"
One wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. If I do it, so many jobs will be finished. Labour is lost, finance is lost.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. If I do it, so many jobs will be finished. Labour is lost, finance is lost.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Mexican Maid
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I do?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that, as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I do?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that, as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Small town
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
New York Police Department
The New York Police Department was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
Polish divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Client: Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Client: It is made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don't think you understand.
Lawyer: Does either of you have a grudge?
Client: No, we have a carport, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?
Client: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Client: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Client: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Client: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Client: She is going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Client: I got proof.
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Client: She is going to poison me.
Client: She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom.
Client: I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Client: Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Client: It is made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don't think you understand.
Lawyer: Does either of you have a grudge?
Client: No, we have a carport, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?
Client: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Client: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Client: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Client: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Client: She is going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Client: I got proof.
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Client: She is going to poison me.
Client: She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom.
Client: I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'
French tourist
A tourist from France goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.
The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write, 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled, 'SEX'.
The official explains, "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We want to know either 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write, 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled, 'SEX'.
The official explains, "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We want to know either 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
Job Prospects
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop...given luck and god's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! And after Pope?"
The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become god."
"Why not? One of our boys made it."
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop...given luck and god's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! And after Pope?"
The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become god."
"Why not? One of our boys made it."
Dentist
The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.'
Mental institution
Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves.
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
Food for thought
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
Testify
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
Trip to Australia
Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
Toothache
Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"
Climb the ladder to success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
Clock
A young pretty female schoolteacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"
After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"
After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
Dance
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Animal noises
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
Food for thought
Ponder This: A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station .........
Quit drinking
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and affecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just that when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just that when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
Jewish Mother
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son.
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
Potential Problems and Military Strategy
At the Russian Military Academy, a top General gave a lecture on 'Potential Problems and Military Strategy'. At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions.
An officer stood up and asked: 'Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?' The General answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked: 'Who will be the enemy?
The General: 'All indications point to China.' All the audience is shocked.
The officer asks: 'General, we are only 150 million; there are 5 Billion Chinese. Can we win at all?'
The General: 'Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.'
After a small pause the smartest officer asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?'
An officer stood up and asked: 'Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?' The General answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked: 'Who will be the enemy?
The General: 'All indications point to China.' All the audience is shocked.
The officer asks: 'General, we are only 150 million; there are 5 Billion Chinese. Can we win at all?'
The General: 'Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.'
After a small pause the smartest officer asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?'
One-liner
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f*ck was THAT?!"
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f*ck was THAT?!"
Blonde watching the news
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says that 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible'.
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved'.
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved'.
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?
Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Texan?
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the .45 have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's answer:
BANG!
Texan's answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the .45 have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's answer:
BANG!
Texan's answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'
$100 for the night
A guy walks into a bar in Sydney and says to the barmaid, I'll have a beer and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me.
She thinks about it and he's an ok looking bloke, so when she finishes her shift they go back to his hotel.
Next night the same guy goes to the bar and says to her, "I'll have a beer and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me."
Again she agrees and spends the night with him.
Third night in a row he walks in and orders a beer and says he'll give her $100 to spend the night with him, so off she goes.
Now on the forth night, he comes into the bar and says he'll have a beer and that's all.
The barmaid is a bit shocked and has enjoyed her self the last three nights, so she asks why he doesn't offer her the $100.
"I haven't got any money left" he replies. "Well, you're a quite a nice guy, and you're from out of town, where are you from?" she asks.
"I'm from Cobar, west New South Wales".
"OH!" she exclaims, "I've got a brother who lives in Cobar, do you know him?"
"Yeah, I do, and he gave me $300 to give to you!"
She thinks about it and he's an ok looking bloke, so when she finishes her shift they go back to his hotel.
Next night the same guy goes to the bar and says to her, "I'll have a beer and I'll give you $100 to spend the night with me."
Again she agrees and spends the night with him.
Third night in a row he walks in and orders a beer and says he'll give her $100 to spend the night with him, so off she goes.
Now on the forth night, he comes into the bar and says he'll have a beer and that's all.
The barmaid is a bit shocked and has enjoyed her self the last three nights, so she asks why he doesn't offer her the $100.
"I haven't got any money left" he replies. "Well, you're a quite a nice guy, and you're from out of town, where are you from?" she asks.
"I'm from Cobar, west New South Wales".
"OH!" she exclaims, "I've got a brother who lives in Cobar, do you know him?"
"Yeah, I do, and he gave me $300 to give to you!"
Next question please
Q: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and, perhaps, try using lubrication.
A: Slow down and, perhaps, try using lubrication.
Huge hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at thetable, eating. Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, andgot that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting forme??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at thetable, eating. Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, andgot that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting forme??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
You may be a Taliban if..
Troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following "YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Married business executive
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"
Good advice
"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
It's in the Bible
An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."
Crowd Control
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
Typical marketing idea
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play.
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin:
"Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape.
He puts it in the machine and hits play.
This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says:
"Wilsons Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.
A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says:
"If only we had used Wilson Nails!"
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play.
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin:
"Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape.
He puts it in the machine and hits play.
This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says:
"Wilsons Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.
A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says:
"If only we had used Wilson Nails!"
Cigar
A man came home early one day and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. He becomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?"
A voice from under the bed says,"Havana!"
A voice from under the bed says,"Havana!"
Hospitalized
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
Next question please
Q: Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
A: It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.
A: It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.
Guess who
A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime.
Instead of making an official landing requests to the tower, he said: ...."Guess who?"
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: ....."Guess where!"
Instead of making an official landing requests to the tower, he said: ...."Guess who?"
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: ....."Guess where!"
Next question please
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride
Next question please
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.
A: She has a headache with the postman.
Bragging
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Politicians
Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".
The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred peoplevery happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".
The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred peoplevery happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Proper Job Placement
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
Teacher
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
The Volunteers
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
Yellow 24
A man goes to the doctor feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
Yankees Fan
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, pray tell why you are a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, pray tell why you are a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."
See me across the street
A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street."
The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"
The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"
Shave beard
A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"
Trucker
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is . . . an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is . . . an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
Next question please
Q: Why are men like dolphins?
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later on this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Watch for these consolidations later on this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Chimp
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As the bartender serves him, the man looks down and sees a chimpanzee sitting on a bar stool at the end of the bar. So he says to the bartender. "Hey man, what's with the chimp?"
The bartender laughs and says.."Watch this!" The bartender walks over to the chimp, turns it around on the barstool and punches the chimp right in the mouth, knocking it off the barstool. The chimp gets up off the floor, pulls down the bartender's zipper and gives the bartender a blowjob.
The customer says. "Wow!! Can I try that?"
"Sure thing says the bartender.
"Great,", says the customer. "But don't hit me as hard as you hit the chimp."
The bartender laughs and says.."Watch this!" The bartender walks over to the chimp, turns it around on the barstool and punches the chimp right in the mouth, knocking it off the barstool. The chimp gets up off the floor, pulls down the bartender's zipper and gives the bartender a blowjob.
The customer says. "Wow!! Can I try that?"
"Sure thing says the bartender.
"Great,", says the customer. "But don't hit me as hard as you hit the chimp."
Buying Monkeys
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Letter from Her Majesty to the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the aquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the aquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Grandma
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
Flowers for wife
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
Divisions of Iraq
After the war in Iraq, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ...
regular, premium, and unleaded.
regular, premium, and unleaded.
Software condoms
When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively.
A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.
Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.
Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.
Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.
Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
Advice For Northerners Moving South
* If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
* Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
* Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
* Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
* Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
* Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
* If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
* Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
* In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
* Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
* Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
* Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
* Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
* Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
* If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
* Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
* In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
Gynecologist
In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my friend, a gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
Redneck fishing
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Columbia, Tennessee, recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' Duck river known for its great fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chest and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck....
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chest and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck....
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
Engineering position
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, each man had missed only one question out of ten.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For question # 4 the Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For question # 4 the Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.
"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab, and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.
"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab, and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Russian Roulette
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual .... CLICK....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!!"
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual .... CLICK....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!!"
Correct spelling
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
School answering machine
This is really hilarious! No wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message is as follows:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, class work, homework and that it is not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message is as follows:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, class work, homework and that it is not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
Journalism student
A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
Visit to the doctor
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
How old
A woman's 40th birthday approached, and her husband, who was a year younger, was doing his best to rub it in. Trying to figure out what all the teasing was about, their young daughter asked her mother, "How old is Daddy?"
"Thirty-nine," Mom told her.
"And how old will you be?" she asked.
"Forty," said Mom, sadly.
"Don't be sad Mommy," exclaimed the little girl, "you're winning!"
"Thirty-nine," Mom told her.
"And how old will you be?" she asked.
"Forty," said Mom, sadly.
"Don't be sad Mommy," exclaimed the little girl, "you're winning!"
Busy schedules
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Moses
Moses dies and goes to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.
"I could eat," Moses replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, chopped chicken liver, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.
"I could eat," Moses replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, chopped chicken liver, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
Visit
Moishe and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Moishe invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
"Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Lord of the manor
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking !"
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking !"
9 words women use
All you guys reading this - learn these by heart, they'll save your ass a million times!
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. In this case, DO NOT say "you're welcome" that will bring on a
"whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. In this case, DO NOT say "you're welcome" that will bring on a
"whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F* YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Blonde sisters
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
Prestige car sales room
A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.
"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.
120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.
The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.
120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.
The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
Farmer & his 3 sons
A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.
Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.
Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
Date
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
Exploring the jungle
A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."
Food for thought
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!
Yard Sale
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
Dog names
Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'
Old Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to he old rooster and says,
'OK, old fart, time for you to retire!' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DARN IT- that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance
'OK, old fart, time for you to retire!' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DARN IT- that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance
New airline rules
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, Sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the Airline's new Policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, Do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be Swell, Thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No Way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why Not? Is he going to 'Shoot me'?
Attendant: No, But there's a $50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The Airline is charging me for Cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this ?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the Airline's new Policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, Do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be Swell, Thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No Way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why Not? Is he going to 'Shoot me'?
Attendant: No, But there's a $50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The Airline is charging me for Cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this ?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
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