1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
11. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
12. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
13. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
15. There is a common held belief that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
Golf
"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them." said Jill one day to her friend Mary.
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill?
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill?
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
House of ill repute
A guy goes to a house of ill repute and says to the madam, "I want to get screwed."
"Go up to room #12 and knock on the door."
The guy walks up to the room, knocks on the door, and says, "I want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies, "Just slide a hundred dollars under the door."
So the man slides a $100 bill under the door and waits. Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out, "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
"Go up to room #12 and knock on the door."
The guy walks up to the room, knocks on the door, and says, "I want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies, "Just slide a hundred dollars under the door."
So the man slides a $100 bill under the door and waits. Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out, "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
Next question please
Q: What Is Better, Being Born Black Or Gay?
A: Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
A: Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
Word and their meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Drunk
Two buddies, Bob and Ben, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Ben throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.. ''Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.'
Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.. ''Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.'
Next question please
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
Furniture
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Princeton, West Virginia, decided to expand the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find in good furrin' stuff. After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell very well back home in West Virginia. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of that French wine that he had heard so much about.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
Golfer
A golfer is in a competitive match with a fierce rival, who is ahead by several strokes. The golfer mutters to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a quarter of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay, that I will" and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Oh misery! If I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another quarter of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure and I will." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" Without hesitation the golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really had you at a disadvantage because you don't know who I am. I am Lucifer, Dark Lord of the Netherworld, and because of
your pact with me, from now on you will have no sex life."
The golfer breaks into a beaming smile and turns to the Devil and says, "Father Bernard O'Malley at your service!"
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a quarter of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay, that I will" and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Oh misery! If I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another quarter of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure and I will." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" Without hesitation the golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really had you at a disadvantage because you don't know who I am. I am Lucifer, Dark Lord of the Netherworld, and because of
your pact with me, from now on you will have no sex life."
The golfer breaks into a beaming smile and turns to the Devil and says, "Father Bernard O'Malley at your service!"
Hokey game
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a raunchy porn featuring a lusty couple having sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play Hockey!"
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play Hockey!"
Sharks In Your Life....
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades.
So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.
To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.
So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste.
The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish. So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? How Japanese managed to keep the fish fresh?
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.
Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired & dull, so we need a Shark in our life to keep us awake and moving? Basically in our lives Sharks are new challenges to keep us active and taste better&.. The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a challenge.
If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are Conqueror.. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
Recommendations for us:
1. Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help.
2. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.
3. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!
4. When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
5. No one can go back and make a brand new start. But anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.
To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.
So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste.
The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish. So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? How Japanese managed to keep the fish fresh?
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.
Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired & dull, so we need a Shark in our life to keep us awake and moving? Basically in our lives Sharks are new challenges to keep us active and taste better&.. The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a challenge.
If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are Conqueror.. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
Recommendations for us:
1. Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help.
2. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.
3. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!
4. When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
5. No one can go back and make a brand new start. But anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Traveling salesman
A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.
"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela." A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.
Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.
"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy. The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."
The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"
"Bardowski," the salesman said.
"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"
"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"
"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela." A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.
Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.
"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy. The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."
The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"
"Bardowski," the salesman said.
"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"
"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"
Military Acronyms
figmo - fuck it, got my orders
fubab - fucked up beyond all belief
fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu - fucked up more than usual
snafu - situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu - things are really fucked up
janfu - joint army-navy fuckup.
fubab - fucked up beyond all belief
fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu - fucked up more than usual
snafu - situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu - things are really fucked up
janfu - joint army-navy fuckup.
Virgins
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first daughter sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second daughter sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges package "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third daughter left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week......Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "American Airlines".
Mom took out her latest Guardian magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for American Airlines. The ad said "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!!!!!
The first daughter sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second daughter sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges package "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third daughter left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week......Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "American Airlines".
Mom took out her latest Guardian magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for American Airlines. The ad said "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!!!!!
Fred
We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football game. We arrived early and found our seats. Not long afterwards, a neurotic, twitchy young fellow came in and sat just in front of us.
A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell "Hey Fred!" The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down. A few moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.
After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic. Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to his feet and screamed to the crowd, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, YOU BASTARD, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"
A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell "Hey Fred!" The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down. A few moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.
After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic. Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to his feet and screamed to the crowd, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, YOU BASTARD, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"
Having a baby
A man goes to a surgeon and convinces him that he wants to have the experience of having a baby.
"Impossible," says the surgeon.
"But I need that experience," insists the man.
Eventually the surgeon agrees, and tells the man to come back next day for the operation.
Next day he is put out and operated on. When he comes around he asks the surgeon if the operation was successful.
"Yes, perfect."
"When will I have the experience of having a baby?" asks the man.
"Just as soon as you have drunk this pint of olive oil," says the surgeon.
"How's that going to give me the experience?"
"Because I have sewn up your ass."
"Impossible," says the surgeon.
"But I need that experience," insists the man.
Eventually the surgeon agrees, and tells the man to come back next day for the operation.
Next day he is put out and operated on. When he comes around he asks the surgeon if the operation was successful.
"Yes, perfect."
"When will I have the experience of having a baby?" asks the man.
"Just as soon as you have drunk this pint of olive oil," says the surgeon.
"How's that going to give me the experience?"
"Because I have sewn up your ass."
Nine
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
Farmer
A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
Kid playing with Tea Set
There was this family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three. Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from the father, the kid's Mom
came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is
the toilet??'
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from the father, the kid's Mom
came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is
the toilet??'
London Tube train driver
A list of (alleged) actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars; if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door."
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars; if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door."
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
American tourist
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'. The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?' What, cut you dick off!!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies. 'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by
itself!'
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'. The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?' What, cut you dick off!!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies. 'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by
itself!'
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