Jeff was married and a philanderer. A friend finally took him to task. "When you run around with other women, doesn't your conscience bother you?"
"Yes, for a certain length of time ...and then if I don't hear from their lawyers, I feel better."
Taxi
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Elderly lady
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Hawaii vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"garb They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"garb They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied.
Sunday School teacher
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
Depressed blonde
A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Flying saucer
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."
Hunter
Three less than intelligent men, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he's gonna die."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."
Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."
Jewish man
An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
Convicts
Three international convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint every day. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
Less calories
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully-prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
Advertising Bloopers
1: The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
2: Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3: Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
4: Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
5: Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
6: A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
7: When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
8: Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
9: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
10: In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
11: Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
12: Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
13: The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
14: Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
15: When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
2: Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3: Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
4: Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
5: Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
6: A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
7: When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
8: Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
9: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
10: In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
11: Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
12: Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
13: The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
14: Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
15: When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
Good, Bad and Worse
Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Soaked
"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, "what's your name?"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
Elderly passenger
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
New words in the language
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
***********************************************************
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners were:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n..): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (n): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web..
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Hip young man
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
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