Smoking dope

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................'

Blonde at library

A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."
 

Drunk driver

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
 

10 Commandments Of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Professionals at work

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologists: "They have reproduced".

The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

How alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the  occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that drunkard nun out there again!"

Don't count on it

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Positive attitude

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

 'There are three colors', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'

Drinking guide

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket". To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
 

Pastor at the door

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Doctors at work

While having lunch in Central Park, a pair of retired doctors saw a man walking their way. His knees were pressed together, his hands were clenched in tight fists, and his wrists were bent inward, toward his wait.
"You still got your knack for diagnosing?" asked one doctor. "Sure. Why?" replied the other. He gestured toward the man. "I'd say the poor fellow's got cerebral palsy."

The other doctor shook his head. "Arthritis, for sure."

"Let's find out," said the first. However, before the doctor could ask, the man stopped in front of their bench. He said through his teeth, "Pardon me, but do either of you gentlemen know where in this damn park the rest rooms are?"

Next question please

What happens when two gay guys get into a fight in a bar?
They go outside and exchange blows.

Pig feed

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Genie

Three men were fishing and one man says, "I think I caught something" so he reels it in. it was a magic lamp. A genie popped out of it and said "I'll grant you 3 wishes one each" the first guy said 'I want to be 2 times as smart as I am now' so the genie snapped his fingers and he started saying all this Shakespeare stuff that he's never heard before.

The second guy says 'alright, I want to be 3 times as smart as I am now.' so the genie snaps his fingers and he starts saying all this world war two stuff that he's never heard before.

Then the third guy says "I want to be ten times as smart as I am now" the genie says 'no you don't' the guy says 'yeah, I do'. The genie gives in and snaps his fingers and turns him into a girl.

Cheap drinks

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be  true.
        
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a  fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.
        
Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay  the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
        
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been  there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired Gujaratis from Wembley... They're waiting for Happy Hour .........  when drinks are half-price. ! !!  

Criticism

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, so that when you criticize them you will be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

Women's instructions

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
• Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
• When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
  

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.......

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening', then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify... I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now!

Blonde winner

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire....

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush
Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you're right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build it's own nest?"

"Get real!" Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
 

Get out

My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and asked, "So now you want me to stay?"

Shoe salesman

At a shoe store a salesman helps this woman to try on some shoes. As he lifts up her leg to put on the shoe, he can see downtown because she's not wearing any panties. Risking his job the guy says, "I could eat that full of ice cream." The woman gets all embarrassed, slaps the guy and runs out of the store.

When she gets home she tells her husband to go beat that man up. Her husband says "First of all, you shouldn't have been anywhere without any panties. Second, I don't know what you were doing in there in the first place, because you have enough shoes as is. And thirdly, I'm not messing with anybody that eat that much ice cream."

Assigning genders to nouns

It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Hotel guest

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. "What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?" he claimed.

"What's the problem, sir? The confused desk clerk asked. "I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun" blustered the irate guest. "He told me to get on my keens and give him a blow job or he'd blast my brains all over the room."

"Oh my," gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. "What did you do?"

The guest screamed "Well, you didn't hear any shots, did you?"

At the store

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.  "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Trucker

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it". He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
 

Tune for a drink

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of whisky and a beer chaser, the bartender asks to see his money at which time the man tells him that he hasn't got any but if he gives him the drinks he will fill his bar for him.

The barkeep asks how the hell he will accomplish this, to which the man replies that he can play Beethoven's 3rd out of his ass. The bartender says bullshit, no one can do that so the man gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and does a perfect rendition of the tune. The bartender throws down the drinks and says that he has a deal (with dollar signs in his eyes)

That night word has gotten out and the bar is filled to the top. The big moment comes and the man gets up on the bar, drops his drawers and craps all over everyone in the first 2 rows.

The bartender yells "you bastard, I'm ruined!!! I'll never get another person in my bar!!!!" to which the man replies "I don't know what you are so upset about, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings!!!"

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and  explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights,  and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local  culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London  Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you  know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes, Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."  The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect  bloom.Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is  greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Milk delivery

Mrs. O'Reilly regularly has the milkman drop off 3 quarts of milk for the week. One morning the milkman arrives at Mrs. O'Reilly's and she insists that he leaves 25 gallons of milk. When asked what all that milk was needed for, Mrs. O'Reilly stated that she had just won the lottery and she was treating herself to a milk bath. The milk would surely make her skin soft and supple.

The milkman agreed and asked her if she would like the milk "pasteurized?"

"Oh no, dear, Up to my titties would be just fine."

Elder Banking

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

This was published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Man saves girl from lion

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

... And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days ..

Engineers

Three Engineers are debating the issue of who would be more likely to build the human body. One starts by saying that with all of the body's levers and joints a Mechanical Engineer would have been most likely.

The second argued that an Electrical Engineer would have made the human body with all of its electrical impulses throughout the nervous system.

The last one smirked before saying that it was obviously a civil engineer, who else would have put a recreation center so close to a major waste disposal site.

Next question please

What do you call when a blonde dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.

Checkup

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Hitting lawyers

A man had a hobby of hitting lawyers with his car every time one happened to cross his path.

The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says: "where to father" the priest replies, "the church". On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, he then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.

The man says to the priest: "I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer" the priest says "It's ok, I got him with the door."

Letter to the editor of SUN

This was a reader's 'letter to the editor' published in daily "SUN" some time ago.  

Tolerance .. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.   If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.

How to clean a cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog 

Ole & Sven go fishing

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya shure, I tink I haff a lighter" he replied and reached in to his tackle box and pulled out a 12 - inch BIC lighter.

"yiminy Cricket"! exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell" replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie".

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box" said Ole.

"Could I see Him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says "Hey dare! I'm a good friend of your master, Vill you grant me vun vish?

"Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!!"

Oles answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12- inch BIC?"

Bear and rabbit

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbits says,"No..."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better. The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Two old drunks

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Bronze rat

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"  "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."  As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street.  This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing.  He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the Story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a statue of an Indian politician in bronze!!

One wish

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

Next question please

Q. What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.

Slut

A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut "Where do you get all the money from?"

"That's easy" replied the rich slut, "Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy."

"Thanks says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can't find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up. The two went back to the guy's home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled "OW, my back! I'll sue you for this!" The man replied "Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!"

Trapped in room

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Blind man

This blind man was feeling his way down the street with his cane, he passes by a fish market and stops. He takes a deep breath and announces, "Good Morning Ladies."

Pig

A man was driving round a corner and was barely missed by a female driver coming the other way. She hung out of the window and shouted 'PIG!!!' in reply; the man shouted 'bitch!

They continued their own separate journeys around the corner. As the man turned the corner, there was a pig in the middle of the road. He swerved over a hill and died a fiery death.

Moral of the story: listen to women; they are always right.

Cowboy in town

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Talking frog

A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in concentration pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into the cup for an eagle.

"Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.

"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog. "You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!"

So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line." The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the frog won $100,000.

Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me." When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 years old.

"And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room."

Sneezing in the plane

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Fishing for wishes

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.

Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew.

Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat"

Cairo bazaar

A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend," said the trader, "only one hundred pounds."

"No thank you," said the tourist. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, my friend?" said the street trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!"

Birthday surprise

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember"

The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

The Warning

If you can't be a shining example, then just serve as a horrible warning.

Argument

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Book salesman

A guy with a speech impediment (he stutters) gets a job selling books door-to-door.

On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o'clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.

The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the first day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o'clock with all the receipts, no books.

This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, "This is truly amazing, in a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What's your sales pitch?"

"W-w-well," says the salesman, "I s-s-say, 'D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?"

Milkman

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women in his street apart from one.

When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife. She said "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23"

True jokes

On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a "Road Closed" sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended, giving way
to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed' Didn't You Understand?"


As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power,the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."


A woman walked into our copy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver's license,birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay with a personal check."Sure," I said automatically."I just need to see some ID."


The guest speaker at our training sessions for correctional officers was a leading psychologist. We appreciated the fact that he was able to answer in plain English a question many of us had: What is the difference between someone who is delusional and someone who is schizophrenic?
"Delusional people build castles in the air," he explained. "Schizophrenics move in and live there."


My colleagues and i recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: "Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly."


While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really?  Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."


My father, a gravedigger, was told to prepare for a funeral. But on theday of the service, it was discovered that he had dug up the wrong plot. Luckily for him, the deceased's daughter was very understanding."Poor Dad," she lamented. "He always complained he could never find a parking space." -

Next question please

What do toilets, clitoris, and anniversaries have in common?
Men miss them all!

Wife's birthday gift

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ...

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you ..........retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Genie

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it. Genie comes out as usual. Woman looks at Genie and asks him to grant her a wish:

I want my husband to have eyes only for me
I want to be the only one in his life
I want him to sleep always by my side
I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me wherever he goes.

Genie turned her into a BlackBerry!

Golf

One Saturday evening, a certain minister decided that he did not want to preach the following morning but go play a relaxing round of golf instead. He called his assistant minister and told him that he was feeling under the weather and would not be in service. He then called to set a tee time at a course that was a fairly long distance away from his church so as to not be "caught" by anyone who would recognize him.

Meanwhile in heaven, St. Peter was looking down in disgust and questioned God, "Do you see this? What are you going to do about this?" God just smiled.

The next morning upon arrival at the clubhouse, he is contented to find that he is but the only person who will be on the course. Peter is still fuming and anxiously anticipating God judgment.

After walking a while to the first hole, he takes note of the layout: a 420-yard par 4. He casually grabs his driver and sets. POW!!! Perfect hit...the ball sails all the way to the green and in the hole for a hole in one!

Peter throws a fit of rage at God. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING? WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"

God just smiles back and says, "Who's he going to tell?"

Little girl

A little girl asked her father "how did human come into existence"?

The father replied to her "God made Adam and Eve who give birth to children, that later gave birth to us"

Still not satisfied, the little girl went and ask her mother the same question and the mother replied by saying "God made Gorillas that we later evolved from"

Furious, the little girl went to her father and ask "why did you say we came through Adam and Eve while mum is saying we evolved from Gorillas"

The father replied "I told you about my own family background, maybe that's your mothers family background."

After sex

A man and his foreign wife are having sex. When finished she stands up and lets out an extremely loud fart. Her husband says, "Honey, what in the world was that?"

His foreign wife replies, "Front side so happy, backside laughs out loud!"

Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

Lawyer in bar

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, "all lawyers are assholes" and the guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back". The drunk man goes, why, are you a lawyer? The man says no, I'm an asshole.

New employee policies

To All Employees - Effective February 2012 :

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

·         If we see gents wearing Reebok shoes or ladies carrying leather Gucci bags, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

·         If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

·         If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Leave Days

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called your weekly OFF. One each week. 52 weeks in a year.

Death Ceremony Leave (for acquaintances)

This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the afternoon. You can go during your lunch break and come back immediately.

Death Ceremony Leave (for self)

This may be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two week's notice, and it is your responsibility to train your replacement.

Toilet Use – Section 147/A

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 3:00 to 3:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 3:20 to 3:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may SWAP their toilet time with a co-worker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange.

Toilet Use – Section 147/B (this is our favorite!)

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls.

·         At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken   

·         After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Repeat Offenders category".

·         Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be prosecuted under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

This will now range from 5 minutes to 30 minutes according to the individual.

           

·         Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

·         Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal and maintain their average figure.

·         Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because they don't need to eat anyway.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations and accusations should be directed elsewhere. Thank you.

Office announcement

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'

Customs officer

A suspected foreign man arrives at Kennedy airport and is going through customs. He becomes extremely irate when the customs inspector insists on searching his bags. He screams at the inspector, "New York is the asshole of the world!"

"And I take it," replies the inspector, "That you are just passing through."

Next question please

What's worse than you gynecologist telling you that you have a VD?
Your Dentist telling you!

Next question please

A man says to his wife, "You never tell me when you have an orgasm."

"You're never home." She replies

You really can't catch the Jews

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.  At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled, "Open the case!" Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongingsand pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin and kissed it.  "What is that?" snarled the customs officer.  "What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind." "I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!" A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!" Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?" said the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?'- you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life." "I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!" At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew. "Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask, 'Who is that?' - You should ask, 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold and a just bit of black shoe polish".

After I die

Sitting at the breakfast table the old man asked his wife "when I die, sell all of my stuff."
"Why should I do that?"
"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff."
"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"

Next question please

"Hey, lover," said the hipster to the beautiful chick he'd jut met, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No" she answered, "but I bet it really hurts."

Proof that men make better friends

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a "friend's" house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it...!!

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a Friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that had slept over, and two said he was still there.....!

David's marriage

In the week before his marriage David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he'd ever dated. At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken. David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats.

On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he'd tell her about his ravaged organ.The woman spread her legs. "Look, honey," she said. "Never been touched by a man."

David undid his pajama pants. "Look, honey," he said. "Still in its original crate!"

Little Johnny strikes again

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo... and kept missing the target!

Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says; "Hi, what are you doing?"

"Missing you," was his honest reply

Cow impregnation

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores: "A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tell him.

"What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang up your pants"

How True

What is it called when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it called when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Man in bar

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck.

Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says "Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive … in fact; he's ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?"

"Well," said the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows"

Kids speak

The first part was read out by the teacher, the second given by various six year-old.

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

Better late than..........................pregnant

Farmer

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer.

"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?"

"Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

Harvard Vs Yale

At a Harvard-Yale football game a man from Harvard and a man from Yale end up at the urinal together. When the two men finished the man from Harvard headed for the sink while the man from Yale headed for the door.

The man from Harvard says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee."

The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands"

Jury duty

"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?"my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.
A nervous young man stood up. "I'd like to be dismissed," he said.
"And why is that?"
"My wife is about to conceive."
Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, "I believe,sir, you mean 'deliver.' But either way, I agree. You should be there."

Blonde and brunette in the elevator

A blonde and a brunette are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunette whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders"

Hunters make better lovers

Why do hunters make better lovers?
1. They always go deep into the bush
2. They always shoot twice
3. They always eat what they kill

One fine day, two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the forest. All of a sudden, one Indian went up to the mouth of a cave and shouted a loud "Woo, Woo, Woo". There was an answering, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." The Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The hillbilly asked the other Indian, "Hey, what was that all about?"

The Indian answered, "It's mating season and it's our custom to mate in caves. The females stay in the caves, and when the males see a cave, they go to it and shout a Woo, Woo, and Woo. If there is an answer, then that means that there is a female ready to mate." "Oh okay," said the hillbilly, not really understanding the weird Indian customs. A few minutes later, the second Indian ran up to the mouth of a cave and shouted, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answer to his Woo's so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. Feeling alone, the Hillbilly kept walking through the forest. He came to a huge cave, and he thought to himself, 'Hey, that cave is so big, there must be some big, fine, women in there ready to mate.' So, he decided to go up to the mouth of the cave and shout, "Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answering, "Woo, Woo, Woo," so the hillbilly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next morning's paper headline was:"Naked Hillbilly Killed By Freight Train"

Democrats or republicans?

Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other.
"Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats?" Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people".

Quotable quotes

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery (I presume he is an Australian genius...gsb)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Foundation of zen

From Ch 22 of 'The Fountains of Paradise'

Driven to despair by his fruitless attempts to understand the Universe, the sage Devadasa finally announced in exasperation

ALL STATEMENTS THAT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD ARE FALSE.

Instantly, his least-favourite disciple Somasiri replied "The sentence I am now speaking contains the word God. I fail to see, Oh Noble Master, how that simple statement can be false."

Devadasa considered the matter for several Poyas. Then he answered, this time with apparent satisfaction:

ONLY STATEMENTS THAT DO NOT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD CAN BE TRUE.

After a pause barely sufficient for a starving mongoose to swallow a millet seed, Somasiri replied: "If this statement applies to itself; Oh Venerable One, it cannot be true, because it contains the word God. But if it is not true -"

At this point, Devadasa broke his begging-bowl upon Somasiri's head, and should therefore be honoured as the true founder of Zen.

(From a fragment of the Culavamsa, as yet undiscovered)