This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
"Why did you do that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming, "Stop!"
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"But you can't fuckin' bait 'em!"
Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!
Kentuckians
Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm ... five?"
Milkman
A man says to his blonde wife, "Guess what I heard at our favorite pub today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with every woman in our apartment building except one, but they are not sure who that one is."
And right a way she jumps up and says, "I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in
Bumper stickers
1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Exotic pet
A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions.
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper: "If you have any problems or questions, please telephone the store at which the frog was purchased and ask for the manager."
Which she does. The manager responds, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, he is ringing her doorbell. She welcomes him and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The manager, looking very concerned, grabs the frog,stares directly at him and says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."
Exotic rug shop
A lady is on holiday in
large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the
quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she does this she accidentally lets slip a very loud fart!
Embarrassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands.
"Can I help you ma'am?" he asks the rather startled woman.
"Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have ever seen, can you tell me how much it is?"
The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this is the finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rug weavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price.
Night Court
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. Police had rounded up a collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.
Three hookers, all arrested on the same corner, stood before him.
He asked the first what she had to say for herself.
The young woman was irate, "I have no idea what this is all about, your Honor. I am a college student doing research for a term paper."
Sighing, the Judge said, "Young lady, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer indicates you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He then turned to the second woman and asked that she testify.
She began to cry and said, "Judge, I am only a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I don't understand why I was arrested."
The Judge shook his head and said, "Well, the officer tells me that he observed you handing a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' who was
sitting in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."
The Judge then turned to the third woman and asked her occupation.
"I'm a hooker," she calmly replied.
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "So, how's business?"
"It's terrible, Judge," she replied. "With all these housewives and students around, competition is very tough!"
SJFT - Amputation
Guy goes to the doctor with problems with his leg. The doctor checks him out and tells him they have to amputate his leg.
So the guy goes to surgery and by mistake they amputate the wrong leg. When the guy gets out of surgery, the doctor tells him about the mistake and so the next day he goes back into surgery and they remove the bad leg.
The guy, quite upset over the gross mistake contacts a lawyer and tells him the story. The lawyer listens to him and says " I'm sorry but there's nothing we can do
about the mistake. No court in the world will listen to you."
"Why not?" asks the guy.
"Because" answered the lawyer "you don't have a leg to stand on."
‘SJFT’ stands for ‘Stupid Joke For Today’
Little Johnny on Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and Says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"
Speed Limit
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer's in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Little Johnny - Field trip
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the little girl. "
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
The First Jewish President Of The USA
The first Jewish President of the
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it'
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!
Betty: "That's nice. The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
OJ Simpson
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Trial
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
Lover
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. (She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the
lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her.
However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM.~ Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sabbath, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Paint my porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Hillbilly farmer
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The
only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
Emergency room
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Science
In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms".
Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Gorilla Removers
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"
K-9 Unit
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Max and Wally
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf
together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!
Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.
Deaf students
The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar
and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' for?"
The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't give em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been drinking. Just use your judgement."
The teacher got a drink and went downstairs with the other teacher, leaving the students at the bar.
An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The
students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place.
"What the hell are they doing now?" the bartender asked.
The teacher observed for a moment. "I told you not to give them too much to drink! You got them drunk, and now they're all singing!"
I have sinned
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father."
"Was it Mary MacDonald?" "No."
"Was it Ann Crotty?" "No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No, Father."
"Was it Amy McMahon?" "No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew next to his buddy, Sean.
Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
Tommy smiles, "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."
New Sexual Positions
The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.
The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).
The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).
The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!
Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.
The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.
The Grenade Position...I'
The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.
Totally Screwed - the position you're in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...
The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if
you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"
Pope & Queen
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge--thousands! Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. . ."One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Ha! Show me!"
So, the Pope slaps her.
Ruff Weekend
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Mirror
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
Sarcastic teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Training session
A woman goes to
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says "An Italian girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for, an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that." she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!"
Floridians
To: Former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car
STEP 3. Drive to
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in
Unfortunately, if your home is located in
hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan's Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
* Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
* Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
* Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
* "Hurricane-proof'
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a lot of supplies. Do not buy them now!
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
* 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some.)
* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
* A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there will be irate alligators.)
* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television
and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: It is great living in paradise!
Preacher
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in
Food for thought
Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
Helpdesk
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Circus
With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.
"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow, I'm going home. " replies The Amazing Jonas.
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."
With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.
"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.
"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"
The man winces and replies, "Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."
DoD - Dead on Departure
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Wal-Mart
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, Tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, And is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,---let's look for yours."
Shaking hands
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
Next question please
Q: What is the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid?
A: "No, she isn't!"