One hot summer day, Trudy came to town with her dog, tied it in the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? Trudy said it was hers.
'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
Trudy looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Pope
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with Bush" T-Shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Judge
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!" blurted the man again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, But do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!" blurted the man again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, But do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
Food for thought
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.
A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.
Mixing colors in Kindergarten
The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and yellow. One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!" The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
Rythm farting
You are on a bus & you need 2 fart... Since the music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beats.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop,
As you're leaving the bus, you notice that people are staring down at you and
that's when you realize . . . . . . . .
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
You've been listening to your iPod !!
Horse stolen
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Smoke while praying
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him whatthe good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him whatthe good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Hillbilly Jokes
* How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
* Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky
"Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
* Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
* What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
* What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
* How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
* How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
* What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
* Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
* What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Treating a man or woman
How to treat a woman
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to treat a man
Show up naked. Bring a case of beers. Don't block the TV.
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to treat a man
Show up naked. Bring a case of beers. Don't block the TV.
Sex problem
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
Blood circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Case of Budweiser
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price.'
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price.'
Drawing
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
Bars
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
Unhappy
A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."
Two-line rhymes
WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST
ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
This is the winner
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
UPS Man
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the drive way. Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles, cut his wonder short.
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since *4:00 am* Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since *4:00 am* Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'
Walk-in medical clinic
A man arrived at a walk-in medical clinic, promptly at opening time, only to find two other men outside, waiting.
The door was still locked.
He knew one of the men and they started talking. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late.
The man turned to his friend and asked, "Are you first in line to see the doctor?"
"Yes," the other replied.
"Well, I guess I'm third then," he said.
"No," the second man said, "you're second."
"Second? What about you?"
"I'm the doctor."
The door was still locked.
He knew one of the men and they started talking. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late.
The man turned to his friend and asked, "Are you first in line to see the doctor?"
"Yes," the other replied.
"Well, I guess I'm third then," he said.
"No," the second man said, "you're second."
"Second? What about you?"
"I'm the doctor."
Physician
A physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Sunday Paper
'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... So that's why no one was at church today.'
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... So that's why no one was at church today.'
Old men's Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Trip to Chicago
Joe left for a two day trip to Chicago to visit his sisters. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his wallet on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes,wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Joe won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes,wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Joe won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
Medical convention
At a recent medical convention, Doctors registered opinions about the current financial disaster, specifically in regard to the Government "Bail Out Package".Opinions were as follows:
Allergists voted to scratch it, whereas
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve!
Obstetricians said we were laboring under a misconception, but Ophthalmologists flat out vetoed the bill as being short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' and
Pediatricians rallied to chant, 'Oh, Grow up!'
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons agreed to cut it up and wash their hands of it, yet Internists thought it was a bitter pill we have to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on things.'
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists said the it would not hold water.
Anesthesiologists noted that the whole idea was a gas, but Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Final opinion was voiced by a coalition of Proctologists sho advised everyone to leave the financial fiasco with the a**holes in Washington who caused it?
Allergists voted to scratch it, whereas
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve!
Obstetricians said we were laboring under a misconception, but Ophthalmologists flat out vetoed the bill as being short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' and
Pediatricians rallied to chant, 'Oh, Grow up!'
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons agreed to cut it up and wash their hands of it, yet Internists thought it was a bitter pill we have to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on things.'
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists said the it would not hold water.
Anesthesiologists noted that the whole idea was a gas, but Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Final opinion was voiced by a coalition of Proctologists sho advised everyone to leave the financial fiasco with the a**holes in Washington who caused it?
Michigan woman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
Next question please
Q: What did Speedy Gonzales say to his wife on their honeymoon?
A: This won't hurt, did it?
A: This won't hurt, did it?
Priest
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when the wicked witch of the forest confronted me. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep, Iwould wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....... "
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when the wicked witch of the forest confronted me. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep, Iwould wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....... "
Pastor
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"
Bow legged
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied, "I know. I know."
Beggars
Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
Selling drugs
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
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