* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there
* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone
* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
* Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart
* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable
* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types
* Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it
* Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital
* The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions
* If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check-books
* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his
Getting Older
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I have not told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I have changed my will three times!"
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I have not told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I have changed my will three times!"
The Sea
A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers then got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by a sea you are an island. If you don't have a sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle, age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
7. When ships had sails, they used the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind wouldn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)
9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin, age 6)
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by a sea you are an island. If you don't have a sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle, age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
7. When ships had sails, they used the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind wouldn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)
9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin, age 6)
Retired gents
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I am 83 years old now and I am just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born baby."
"Really! Like a new born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born baby."
"Really! Like a new born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Blonde couple
Q: Did you hear about the blond couple that was found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Fox paws
The little girl comes running in to her mother who's in the kitchen. She's carrying a book and she looks up to her mother and asks:
"Mummy, what are 'fox paws'?
"Fox paws?" her mother asks. "What do you mean?"
"See," says the little girl, holding up her book and pointing, "'fox paws'!"
"Oh," say her mother. "You mean 'faux pas' (ed. correctly pronounced)! It's French, you know (ed. roll your rrrr's), 'faux pas'."
"I see, but what does it mean, mummy?"
"Well, it means a 'faux pas', you know. It's French!"
"I don't understand, mummy."
"Well, let me explain. Do you recall last week when the Vicar was here for tea?"
"Uh huh."
"And do you recall when we went out into garden to see the flowers?"
"Uh huh."
"And do you remember when he was smelling the roses and he pricked his finger horribly on a thorn, and was just bleeding all over everywhere?"
"Uh huh."
And do you remember later that afternoon when we were in the drawing room about to have tea and you walked in and said 'Hello Vicar. How's your prick?' and I said 'Oh shit!' and dropped the teapot?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, THAT's a faux pas!"
"Mummy, what are 'fox paws'?
"Fox paws?" her mother asks. "What do you mean?"
"See," says the little girl, holding up her book and pointing, "'fox paws'!"
"Oh," say her mother. "You mean 'faux pas' (ed. correctly pronounced)! It's French, you know (ed. roll your rrrr's), 'faux pas'."
"I see, but what does it mean, mummy?"
"Well, it means a 'faux pas', you know. It's French!"
"I don't understand, mummy."
"Well, let me explain. Do you recall last week when the Vicar was here for tea?"
"Uh huh."
"And do you recall when we went out into garden to see the flowers?"
"Uh huh."
"And do you remember when he was smelling the roses and he pricked his finger horribly on a thorn, and was just bleeding all over everywhere?"
"Uh huh."
And do you remember later that afternoon when we were in the drawing room about to have tea and you walked in and said 'Hello Vicar. How's your prick?' and I said 'Oh shit!' and dropped the teapot?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, THAT's a faux pas!"
Proctologist
A gay guy falls in love with his proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says he has an obstruction. So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices he has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy clams he is great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!” the doctor exclaims "No wonder you're in pain-- there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!"
The gay guy turns excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card"
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy clams he is great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!” the doctor exclaims "No wonder you're in pain-- there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!"
The gay guy turns excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card"
Redneck education
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain't’!"
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain't’!"
Discussing marriage
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"
Kentucky Derby Time
A group of Kentucky second, third and fourth graders accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
He replied: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
He replied: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
Choices
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
New bride
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
Genie
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
Golf lessons
Bill's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing."
He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing."
He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
Loser
Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.
Jill: How did you know so fast?
Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."
Jill: How did you know so fast?
Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."
Next question please
Q: Did you hear about the couple that finally became sexually compatible?
A: They achieved simultaneous headaches.
A: They achieved simultaneous headaches.
Drinking water
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts "Awa ye feel hoor that's full O' coos Sharn." (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow "poop".)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you."
The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you."
The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
New Mercedes
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Liquor store holdup
A woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me."
The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the woman's handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and made love.
In the excitement the woman dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said, "Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any minute."
The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the woman's handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and made love.
In the excitement the woman dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said, "Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any minute."
Next question please
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
It's different when you are Married
Three women - one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to surprise their men that night; all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes to see what kind of a response they get from their men.
Stinking drunk
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away!"
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed"
Food for thought
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Periodic Table Revised
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Prestigious university
This lady went with her daughter to visit a prestigious university, and the student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities.
She told them that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended the daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour the mother asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied, "my boyfriend works at the McDonald's across the parking lot."
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
Every time I breathe somebody dies
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
Psychology instructor
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"
Want to be Jewish
Born to a Catholic family,
Neighbor's son
As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbour’s son Paul and his fiancée Sharon just going in.
"Did you see that?" Sadie says.
"Paul's fiancée, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see- through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than 1 year."
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